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Saturday, August 29, 2009

CHEAP, EASY RECIPES FOR INSTANT GOURMETS

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NO TIME TO AGE YOUR WINE & CHEESE?
NO MONEY? NO PROBLEMO!


YOUR ENVIRONMENT, INCLUDING YOU, ALREADY HAS EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO MAKE FINE FOODS FASTER!

THE TWILIGHT ZONE
"To Serve Man"
It's a COOKBOOK!


How To Use The Bacteria You've Been Feeding, Clothing & Housing All Your Life. Your Guests Will Never Know The difference.

In reality, this is how the pro's do it. Well, back in the Stone Age. There have been some improvements in food tech. But they're slow, complicated and expensive. Now you too can eat, drink and be merry just like the real foodies, in a matter of minutes and hours, not months or years. Just follow these simple recipe's, and you're in like Wolfgang Puck!

1. Gourmet Yoghurt:
Sneeze into a tall glass. Add milk, to taste. Let stand uncovered in the warmest part of the refrigerator until it looks like pudding. Enjoy!

2. Gourmet Cheese:
Gather Fromunda cheese from under your various & fragrant underplaces. Add to slices of Velveeta. Drop on the floor. (The cheese, stupid, not you.) Season to taste. Pick it up. Bon appetit!

3. Gourmet Pate:
Leave slices of liverwurst on the bus, under a seat in the hottest part, near the rear. Ride the entire route, twice. Collect slices of liverwurst, which are now indistinguishable from foie gras. Serve on toast points. Champagne optional. (See below.)

4. Gourmet Bread:
Order a tuna sub on toasted Garlic & Herb bread at Subway. Tell them to hold the tuna. (If they ask where, say, "Between your legs." They love that.) Make sure they put nothing on it but oil & olives, before toasting. Serve with homemade foie gras & fromunda cheese. Tell your friends you've discovered this interesting new baker in the gay part of town. It's time you came out of the closet anyway.

5. Gourmet Champagne:
Collect old champagne bottles from rich people's trash. Fill with any sparkling clear white, yellow or pink alcoholic beverage, other than beer. Chill almost to freezing. Serve from stolen champagne bottles, pouring into real champagne glasses. Your snobby friends will never know. Salut!

6. Gourmet Chocolate:
Place a medium-sized Hershey's chocolate bar between your buttock cheeks. Go about your business. At the end of the day, remove the softened, perfumed chocolate bar and place it in your freezer. When friends come over, offer them tiny slices of the "extra-extra-bittersweet" chocolat Belge you have created. Mmmm.

7. Gourmet Coffee:
Raid the Starbucks dumpster for old empty coffee bags. Fill with dirt. Good, dark, flavorful dirt. Put it through your snotty neighbor's espresso machine, add hot frothed soy milk, nutmeg, a splash of orange juice, and some bits of that butt-chocolate. Serve in funny little cups from the thrift store. Good to the last drop.
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2 Comments:

Blogger Southern Beale said...

Yikes. Think I'll stick with my snooty organic yogurt, thank you!!!

:-)

12:43 AM, August 30, 2009  
Blogger Cosa Nostradamus said...

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That's why they call it snooty, SoBe. Nice to see you here, or anywhere. Take care of that head wound. Head for Canada if it starts throbbing!
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12:59 AM, August 30, 2009  

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