OH HO NO! TOMORROW'S CHRISTMAS!! AAAAHHHH!!!

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LAST-MINUTE GIFTS YOU'LL REGRET FOREVER

WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO STOP AT SEVEN-ELEVEN ON THE WAY HOME FOR XMAS



OK, So You've Had 363 Shopping Days To Pick A Thoughtful Gift. What The F**k Happened?

You've still got two days. But we both know that you can't stand the traffic, the crowds, the kitsch of Christmas shopping. Last week, you still had a shot at picking something out on the Internet, in your sh*tty underwear, all by yourself. But no, you had to spend that precious time downloading porn, surfing YouTube, and commenting on someone else's blog. Now it's too late for even the yuppie post office to get those electric sox to granny before the 25th. What's a m*therf**ker to do?

Have no fear, um, I'm here, I guess. Hey, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, gave it to your Mom after you wore it, right? There's still like, millions of nanoseconds, and Russian Christmas is a week away. Or, you could just let everyone know what you really think of them: Nothing.

Unacceptable? Still hoping for nookie/ debt repayment or forgiveness/ a small inheritance/ all of the above? Rotsa ruck. Try these guilty pleasures:

1. A $25 plastic card to use to buy sh*t; taken from the rack by the register at Walmart, but never validated. It's a freebie! (Blame it on Walmart, those bastards.)

2. A real gift certificate from a real store, for five dollars. McDonald's drive-thru, open till midnight, Christmas Eve! Happy Meal gift certificate for the ex-kids! (It's the thought that counts.)

3. A membership or subscription to something you can buy or do online. Anything. It's late. Too late.

4. Perfume or cologne from the all-night discount drug store that kills bugs too. Or vice versa.

5. Deodorant from the all-night discount drug store that actually smells a little better than any of their perfumes & colognes. And still kills bugs. Gift-wrapped.

6. Eleven cookies or pastries from the early-morning bakery or supermarket baked goods department; plus the crumbs from the one you ate.

7. A "gift box" of some kind of no-name candy from an off-brand convenience store in a dicey neighborhood that seems to specialize in sales of 40's of malt liquor to small children after hours and on Sundays and holidays. Like Christmas morning. And, really, nothing says Christmas like a 40...

8. A green cellophane wrapped basket full of diverse treats from 7/11. Like gum, potato chips, mouthwash, etc.

9. Something expensive from the adult bookstore, other than a video or magazine. No gift certificates, please. Batteries not included.

10. All of your Obama campaign memorabilia, including print-out of emails from David Plouffe. Hey, it's history, now. Just like his promises.
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