BIG BANG AWAY, LADS! SLAINTE!
SUPERSECRET IRISH SUPERCONDUCTING SUPERCOLLIDER JUST SUPER, BOYS, SUPER!
LOUTH FACILITY REVS UP FOR POSSIBLE "END OF THE WORLD" TOMORROW
Local Residents Concerned About Black Holes
Of course, in Baile Atha Cliath, they live in a black pool, Dubh Linn, so they're not concerned. But farther up in the old province of Midhe, the scientific and technological center of both ancient and modern Ireland, folks are concerned. They fear that, when the switch is flipped tomorrow at the super-secret facility located somewhere under the town of Louth, County Louth, it might just suck the whole shebang into another space-time continuum.
Particle physicists pooh-pooh this notion, reminding us that the universe is going to explode or implode someday anway, as it probably has many times before. And, besides, the boffins say, "We'll all be dead long before then, right? Cheers! Live for today and let tomorrow look after itself!" That seems to be the motto of the atom-smashers at Louth today.
Ancient technology centered around getting smashed, but not with atoms. Beer was invented in Louth some time in the Auld Bronze Age, and whiskey chased it shortly thereafter. In fact, the combination of good Irish beer and whiskey may have produced the first Big Bang, and certainly many little bangs since.
Einstein was a frequent visitor to local pubs, on a protracted stop-over in then-neutral Ireland on his way to America from Nazi Germany. His scribbled notes on beer coasters left behind led to the "Drumcondragh Project," which produced the first atomic bomb, some months before the Los Alamos laboratories. However, local clergy prevented any tests of the Irish bomb being carried out, so it was never proven successful. The Church feared that the smashing of atoms might open the way for the Devil himself, and bring on the Apocalypse. So the project was scrapped, and the researchers had to go elsewhere to find work. These "Wild Geese" may have been responsible for Russia, China, India, Israel, Pakistan, North Korea and Tonga getting the Bomb. Or not.
Wednesday's test deep beneath the sleepy town of Louth may be Ireland's chance to get back on the atomic map. If the test succeeds, nuclear nerds and geeks will descend upon the region north of Dublin, looking for grants and stipends, atoms and gluons, galaxies and universes. And the occasional Guinness. If it doesn't work, the entire country may become a radioactive Hell-pit and the open end of a worm-hole that leads to some unspeakable cosmos beyond our ability to comprehend, that will devour us all, horribly. Maybe the priests were right, after all. Cheers!
"Controversial science experiment to take place in Ireland"
"Seeking Big Bang Explanation Could Be Dangerous Game"
"Will the Louth Hadron Collider Destroy Earth?"
"The Large Hadron Collider Ready For Power Up Amid Apocalyptic Predictions"
"Irish physicist gets death threats over collider"
"Large Hadron Collider to Go Online This Week Despite Death Threats"
Labels: Atom-Smashing, Big Bang, Black Holes, County Louth, Eireann, End of the world, Ireland, irish, Large Hadron Collider, Louth, Meath, Planetary Destruction, Supercollider, Superconducting, Supersecret
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