AN IMMODEST PROPOSAL
THE FEW, THE PROUD, THE GAYS;
OR, GOMER PYLE, USGC
It's Time We Established A Gay Corps
No, I'm not going to complain about the tacky uniforms, or the drab colour we paint our battleships. I'm not going to suggest that what this man's Army needs is a nice bunch of talented interior decorators, like those queer guys on TV. And I'm not criticizing miltary chow, though it is bland, greasy, overcooked and fattening, and probably could use some arugula, or a dijon-szechuan-guacamole-mole-bourguignon, with some pan-fried truffles lightly dusted with a fine, home-grown cardamom from the upper slopes of Mount Kilimanjaro, picked on a misty morning by honest peasants earning a surprisingly good living. No. I'm talking about other skills the military needs even more, right now. Although, a little cardamom wouldn't kill them.
The Army kicked a bunch of its' Arabic-language translators out of their exclusive foreign-language training school in Santa Barbara, California a while ago. They deliberately threw away skills it cost a lot of time, effort and money to develop, skills we needed then, and still more now. Why? Because the students admitted they were gay. HELLO! ARMY! Male LANGUAGE-majors??? You didn't see THAT one coming? Jeez, military intelligence, hunh?
Remember, it's OK to be gay in the military; it's just not OK to admit it. This is for reasons of morale and security. And what's better for morale and security than setting your best people up for blackmail, and forcing them to lead a life of lies and deception among the troops? It seems to me that, other than the HORRENDOUS problem of gays having to shower with straights (who never clean their hair out of the drain), the blackmail thing is the only real problem with gays in the military. And our current policy just makes it worse. Christ, install private shower-stalls for the straights. Get the queers out of the closet. Problem solved.
They will never be able to keep gays out of the military. There's no mark of Cain on them, and some gays may not even know they're gay until they're already in the military. So, all you're doing is telling people to lie, cover up and deceive their superior officers, and the other people whose lives may depend on them, some day. It's just stupid. Wildly counter-productive.
Are the officers and senior NCOs so genuinely homophobic that they simply cannot BEAR to know that there are gays in their outfits? I mean, in their units? I mean, their organizations? Then, maybe these homophobes should leave the military. Maybe they just don't have the discipline, the trust, the loyalty, and the comradery for Army life. Unfortunately, right now, Bush's unwise, unfair and possibly unlawful policies of repeated call-ups and extended deployments, stop-loss orders and involuntary extensions, intimidation and threats, are all just driving more people away from the military. They can't afford to lose any more people, nor turn anyone away. Especially not if Bush gets four more years to start senseless, unnecessary wars. So the homos and the homophobes will have to learn to live together, for the duration.
Here's what I propose, to solve the military/gay problem and the recruitment/retention problems: A separate but equal Corps of Gays, in each service. With special ensignia, badges and uniforms. The beret is already taken, so maybe a wee tam-o-shanter, with a tasteful plaid kilt, like the Highlanders. And everyone could proudly wear a pink triangle, like on their hat or something, so the straight guys can run away when they see them coming like, into the showers or wherever.
Yes, they would get their asses kicked a lot, but that happens to the Air Force now. It would just toughen them up for battle. This could be dealt with by setting up recruiting stations right inside gay gyms and leather bars. Some of those guys and gals are pretty tough already! And, given a chance to prove their patriotism, to serve their country, and to wear kilts, I think many gays would gladly step forward, and plug those holes in our ranks. I mean, fill the needs of our military. I mean, cover the Pentagons' ass. Hey, I'm just saying, think about it.
Imagine the war movies. It could mean a second career for Arnold, after being duh Governator. He could be the first movie General in charge of the new Gay Corps. Everybody would wonder about him. Or, how 'bout: "The Exceptionally Clean Dozen." "Rambo & Fred." "The Great Escape To Fire Island For The Weekend." "Boy-Band Of Brothers." "Foomfing-Up Private Ryan." "Twelve O'Clock High." No change needed there.
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