NEWS YOU CAN'T USE

AND OPINIONS YOU'LL AGREE WITH

Or Else

French Kiss Turns Deadly
"Woman sentenced for biting off tongue"

Piss-Poor Excuse For Chow
"Army rations rehydrated by urine"

CIA On Drugs?
"New C.I.A. Chief Tells Workers to Back Administration Policies"

Martians Revisit New Jersey
"Tom Cruise and Some Martians Take a Liking to Bayonne"

Losers Unite!
"Kmart Buying Sears in $11 Billion Deal"

Not All NoDaks Are Like The Ones In "Fargo"
"Triumphalists are not about to heal the nation"

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