CHRISTMAS MEMORIES

WHY I HATE THE HOLIDAYS

(Except For The Ones With You, Ginny)

I hope there is a Heaven, and that you are happy there. The alternative, while more likely, is too terrible to comprehend. I wish we could exchange emails, at least. It seems cruel, on God's part, to deny all contact forever. Especially since, if there is a Heaven, I certainly won't be going there. And I'll miss you, Pookie.

It's not Christmas without you. Being able to do something nice for you, to spend my time, money and guessing abilities in sussing out and buying, wrapping and sending the best presents I could think of to you was a real joy. I've never much liked getting presents, as you know. All I ever wanted from you was your love and maybe some artwork. That's all. Thank you for giving me all I wanted for Christmas.

Christmas was always a time of family histrionics, violence, cops, hospitals, and ill-fitting sweaters in colours I hated, for me as a child. Once I left home, I could safely ignore the holidays, sitting with like-minded friends in Chinese or Indian or Jewish restaurants, enjoying a little sane company. Just a little sane. Not too.

Here in Hawaii, Christmas is mostly just staring out the window at the winter rain, listening to the wind in the palm trees as the moon breaks through the clouds and lights up the mountains and the sea, for a moment. We're being evicted from the farm, soon. Don't know what I'll do. Can't really afford to live anywhere else. No choice, though. Of course this would happen at Christmas. It must be me.

Anyway, put in a good word for me, Ginny. I can use all the help I can get. And some artwork, maybe in the sky, hunh? I'll be watching the stars and the clouds at night for signs of you. No pressure. No deadlines. I can wait. It's a big sky, and it'll always be there. Merry Christmas, Punkin'. Love you, always.

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