QUELLE SMELL

THIS JUST DOESN'T PASS THE TEST

It Stinks Of Chertoff

Remember him? The guy in charge of prosecuting terrorists at the US Department of Justice? Recently nominated for Secretary of Homeland Defense, on the strength of his sterling record of locking up innocent people, holding them forever without charges; and/or charging them with heinous, unprovable crimes, then bungling their prosecution, and letting them go, or deporting them, without apologies? Hey, they needed headlines after 9/11, they got headlines. That's all Chertoff has a history of success in nabbing: Headlines.

Suddenly, on a slow news day a week after the Bush's favorite White House Press Office briefing room gay-porn Republican Party plant is outed in the headlines, on the very day that Congressional Democrats finally begin demanding to know how this guy got a press pass under a phony name, and access to classified info... WHA-LAH! Prest-chango, out comes a terrorist rabbit from a Saudi hat, or turban, or whatever. Some idiot from Virginia who chose to go to college in Saudi is accused of seeking out Al Qaeda after September Eleventh, 2001, and offering to do whatever they wanted: To wit, assassinate or facilitate the killing of our CEO. As in, Dubya.

Now, who could call for an investigation of the White House when Dubya is under threat, so recently, so conveniently? Even if the charges do sound, initially, just like all those horrendous-sounding ones that Chertoff brought against all those other Arabs and Muslims, that didn't pan out? Even if this schlub from Texas (home of Big Awl), and Virginia (home of the CIA) probably couldn't find his ass with both hands, much less a secret terrorist group in a locked-down, repressive country, Saudi Arabia (his Daddy works for the Saudi government)? Even if the whole "conspiracy" story sounds a bit fishy? Stinky fishy?

The guy is accused of buying a laptop for Al Qaida. He gave up on fighting us in Afghanistan because he couldn't get a visa. He conspired to play paintball. He thought he might walk up to Dubya on the street and shoot him, somehow. He's charged with thinking about it out loud, in another country. Not much of a "terrorist." Not much of a story.

Like, the real story would be: "AL QAEDA STILL TRAINING TERRORISTS IN SAUDI ARABIA TODAY." Or maybe, "AL QAEDA STILL FINANCIALLY SOUND." Wasn't that one of the Bushco claims, that we had disrupted their network, cut off their finances, chased them out of "friendly" countries like Saudi Arabia? Now, here we have a guy recruited, trained, financed and controlled right smack dab in the middle of Saudi Arabia, well after 9/11.

And now, after quite some time in custody, the oil-rich Saudis suddenly produce this American religious nudnik for oil-rich Dubya, just when he really, really needs a distraction? Well, at least we can count on the Saudis for something: Headlines. Convenient headlines. Orange alert, anyone? Or will Chertoff be supplying headlines as HomeSec, instead?

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