GAY REPUBLICAN NO LONGER APPEALING?
WHEN WILL IDAHO SENATOR LARRY CRAIG GIVE IT UP!
CAN'T QUIT TRYING TO "CLEAR HIS NAME"
"Dragnet: Larry Craig"
It's hard out here for a pimp.
Apparently, He Still Thinks It's A Bad Thing To Be Gay
Or maybe it was just the footsie-with-a-cop, cruising-public-toilets, sex-at-the-airport, closeted-Republican-hypocrite, another-homophobe-for-Jesus thing? Hasn't he seen "Brokeback Mountain"? Wasn't that filmed in his home State? It's out on video, now, Lar'. Seriously, check it out, it won some award, I think. That guy from "Batman" is in it.
Larry, I think you need counseling. Not the kind that "makes" you straight. I don't think that's happening. Check out a reality-based therapist and see if you can't get in touch with your inner Heath Ledger. Not the Joker one, the gay cowboy. Otherwise, who knows what might happen in some lonely truck-stop toilet in the Tetons some day? They have these gay cruises now, you know. Real cruises, on a ship, in the ocean? Everybody on the boat is gay. Even you could find someone, if you just keep your opinions to yourself, maybe. You could get a make-over, use a nick-name. Gopper, maybe? Skeeter? Lonesome Cowboy Burt? Ask your staff. At least one of them is bound to know.
That's another thing: While you still have a staff, have somebody set up that make-over, and make over the old image, too. The Republican asshole thing is so 2008! I mean, the odds of of you actually hooking up with America's favorite GILF are less than zero, right, even if Sarah wanted to? Yeah. So let's try something else. (And good luck to "The Republicans' Next Top Spokesmodel!")
Get a publicist, hire a ghost-writer, go on tour for something like the "Closeted Republicans Extreme Emergency Publicity" thing, you know, C.R.E.E.P.? Has a nice ring to it, hunh? Worked for Nixon. Do Oprah, Leno, Springer, Colbert, Ellen, O'Reilly, Rachel, Sesame Street, the 700 Club, the whole nine yards. You don't have to do them, just their shows, OK, Larry? You could play it either way: as a sinner who has "refound" Christ, which you could really milk for the big bucks, dood. Or you could do it like a reformed bigot who now just wants to help other closeted conservatives to stay in or get out of the closet. Whatever. Get funding from the anti-Fundies, maybe. You could try both approaches, but you'd have to really subtle; and, well, Larry, subtlety is not your strong suit. Just Do It! Your fifteen minutes is almost up!
This is not a come on. Keep your shoes in your own stall, please. And COURTESY FLUSH!!! Thanks.
THE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR
"Senator Larry Craig loses airport bathroom misconduct appeal"
Can't a white, over-privileged brother get a break in this country? Damn!
' And then there was today’s decision by a Minnesota appeals court not to allow U.S. Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) to withdraw his guilty plea to a charge of disorderly conduct at an airport restroom. Craig initially pleaded guilty to the charge after being arrested by an undercover police officer for solicitation. Although Craig didn’t verbally solicit an officer, he inappropriately tapped his foot and made hand signals which are apparently code for solicitation. After the case became public, Craig changed his mind and asked that his guilty plea (which he was allowed to mail to the court) be withdrawn. But the District Court judge wasn’t buying it and denied the request. So Craig appealed claiming that the Minnesota law violated his freedom of expression. To which the court replied today, “…foot-tapping and the movement of his foot toward the undercover officer’s stall are considered speech, they would be intrusive speech directed at a captive audience and the government may prohibit them.” He now has the option of keeping his name and the issue in the news cycle even longer by further appealing the decision to the Minnesota Supreme Court. “I maintain my innocence, and currently my attorneys and I are reviewing the decision and looking into the possibility of appealing,” Craig said in a statement. '
"Larry Craig On The Issues"
A stand-up guy on "family values" sits down to beg sex from cops in the toilet. Double-yeeech.
' Larry Craig on Civil Rights
* Voted YES on recommending Constitutional ban on flag desecration. (Jun 2006)
* Voted YES on constitutional ban of same-sex marriage. (Jun 2006)
* Voted NO on adding sexual orientation to definition of hate crimes. (Jun 2002)
* Voted YES on loosening restrictions on cell phone wiretapping. (Oct 2001)
* Voted NO on expanding hate crimes to include sexual orientation. (Jun 2000)
* Voted NO on setting aside 10% of highway funds for minorities & women. (Mar 1998)
* Voted YES on ending special funding for minority & women-owned business. (Oct 1997)
* Voted YES on prohibiting same-sex marriage. (Sep 1996)
* Voted NO on prohibiting job discrimination by sexual orientation. (Sep 1996)
* Voted YES on Amendment to prohibit flag burning. (Dec 1995)
* Voted YES on banning affirmative action hiring with federal funds. (Jul 1995)
* Supports anti-flag desecration amendment. (Mar 2001)
* Rated 25% by the ACLU, indicating an anti-civil rights voting record. (Dec 2002)
* Rated 0% by the HRC, indicating an anti-gay-rights stance. (Dec 2006)
* Rated 11% by the NAACP, indicating an anti-affirmative-action stance. (Dec 2006) '
CLASSIC SHORT STORIES: ANTON CHEKHOV
You really should read this some time, Larry. It ain't the Bible or nuthin', but it's short, anyways.
' "Ah-ah! the sound of a passionate kiss. . . . Who is it you're kissing out there, little Marfa?" came a voice from the next room, and in the doorway there appeared the cropped head of the assistant usher, Vankin. "Who is it? A-a-h! . . . Delighted to meet you! Sergei Kapitonich! You're a fine grandfather, I must say!" "I'm not kissing," said Ahineev in confusion. "Who told you so, you fool? I was only . . . I smacked my lips . . . in reference to . . . as an indication of. . . pleasure . . . at the sight of the fish." Ahineev went timidly into the drawing room and looked stealthily round for Vankin. Vankin was standing by the piano, and, bending down with a jaunty air, was whispering something to the inspector's sister-in-law, who was laughing. "Talking about me!" thought Ahineev. "About me, blast him! And she believes it . . . believes it! She laughs! Mercy on us! No, I can't let it pass . . . I can't. I must do something to prevent his being believed. . . . I'll speak to them all, and he'll be shown up for a fool and a gossip." '.
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