Blog Me No Blogs: I WAS PRESENT AT BOTH DEBATES

I WAS PRESENT AT BOTH DEBATES

And I am here now to cut through the media spin. First of all, the "black box" Bush was wearing under his coat in the first debate: It was indeed a radio receiver. The fillings in my teeth are pure iridium, from my days at Groom Lake, and I was able to pick up the transmissions beamed at the President, being in a direct line-of-sight.

The entire transmission was just one phrase, repeated softly, over and over again, quote: "You do not have to urinate...You do not have to urinate...You do not have to urinate." This went on throughout the entire debate. Finally, it got to me, and I had to get up to urinate. Not sure what may have been said while I was in the head, but it was still on when I got back.

There was a Secret Service agent in the can, talking into his lapel while he washed his hands. He kept referring to a "Yellow Stain," as if that were a person's name. I asked him who "Yellow Stain" was, and said, simply, "Bush. Ever since 9/11. Don't worry," he said, eyeing my BUSH-CHENEY button (which I used only to get into both debates) "He's catheterized tonight."

AND IN THE SECOND DEBATE

I was seated directly behind the President. You may have noticed that he kept turning around and addressing us directly. While Kerry was speaking, Bush would swing around and mug at us, sometimes cracking jokes.

After his initial remark about wood, he turned completely around to us, and, as Kerry was answering a question, Bush began to gyrate his hips like Elvis. Looking directly at a comely young lady, he grabbed his crotch Michael Jackson-style, and said "I'm gettin' wood right now, baby."

Needless to say, the young lady was shocked. She started to say something, but was quickly hustled off by Secret Service agents. The entire procedings were on a tape delay, standard procedure since the Janet Jackson affair, and the incident was instantly edited out before it ever hit the airwaves.

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