REPUBLICAN JOKES FOR THE JOHN
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO WARSHENDEN DEE-CEE
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE REPUKELICKIN'S COULDN'T GET ANY MORE RIDICULOUS...
We Laugh Because It Hurts Too Much To Cry
1. Two Republicans go into a gay bar. The bartender says, "What'll ya have?" The first Republican says, "I'll have what he's having," pointing to his friend. His friend says, "Let me check with Rush. I don't think we're supposed to be in here," noting suspiciously the beefcake beer posters, the complete lack of female customers, the rainbow flag and the guys making out on the pool table. He takes off his tin-foil hat, spits on it and points it toward Miami. A bolt of lightning crashes through the ceiling, killing him instantly. The first Republican says, "I guess I won't have what he's having."
2. A conservative and a liberal are arguing about global warming at the International House Of Pancakes. The liberal is wearing shorts, sandals, a Hawaiian shirt and a coconut hat. The conservative is wearing mukluks, a heavy snowsuit with big mittens attached and a great big Russian fur hat. The waitress comes to take their order and the liberal orders something liberal. The waitress turns to the conservative and asks him why he's wearing all the polar expedition gear in an IHOP in the middle of the summer. "IHOP? I thought this was the UN!"
3. Newt Gingrich is at his sixth wife's death-bed. She's pale and weak and he has no trouble removing all her jewelry, and getting her to sign a new will. "What's this, for, Command Master, dear?" his wife asks feebly. "Well, b*tch, I mean, babe, I need your as--mm-- anus," the Speaker responds gruffly. "Your wish is my command, Master. But why?" the poor woman replies. "Aw, Hell, I can't get the librul media to chew me a new one no more! And I can't hardly talk out of the old one atall!"
4. Bobby Jindal is out jogging alongside a swamp somewhere in Louisiana. A gigantic alligator lunges out of the bayou and blocks the Governor's path. "Heck! What do y'all want, alligator?" "I'm going to eat you all up unless you grant me three wishes, Governor," the alligator hisses. "I don't know that I can do that. Are you a contributor?" "My PAC gives heavily to State Senate races. All Republicans, of course. They understand reptiles." "OK. OK, What can we do for you this fine morning?" "First off, you've got to outlaw alligator shoes." "All right, I guess we can do that." "Second, I want to be designated an endangered species." "Well, I'm against that in principle, but it's Federal, so I guess I could bump it up to them. Sure, OK, as long as it's just you." "Third, when you run for President, I want to be your Vice-President." "Aw, I don't think I can do that. It might cost me the fundamentalist vote. How about Secretary of State?" The alligator lunges at the governor, snaps him up and swallows him whole. From deep inside the giant saurian, a tiny voice emerges. "Is this Jimmy Swaggart in here? DEAL, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL!!!"
5. Ann Coulter is having "relations" with a giant venomous snake. She finally gets off, and disgorges the python. The reptile slithers off into a corner and starts crying hysterically. "What the f**k is the matter with you?" Ann asks the snake. "My condom came off!" the python wails.
6. John Boehner is addressing a group of young schoolchildren when little Johnny pops up from the back of the class and asks him a question: "How come your name is 'BONER'???!!!" The Congressman explains that his name is pronounced 'BAYNER,' "It's from the German. It's not pronounced the way it looks." Little Johnny puzzles over this and then demands, "Well how come my Mom says you're such a big dick then?"
7. A Republican and a monkey are shipwrecked together, the only two survivors left in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. Their supplies consist of two oars, one shiny waterproof thermal blanket, one bottle of water, one box of rations, one flare and one Bible. Both survivors eye all the gear, which plainly is enough for only one of them. The monkey picks up the Bible and tosses it overboard. The Republican jumps in after it and manages to rescue the Good Book. When he tries to get back in the boat, the monkey smacks the Republican's hand with an oar repeatedly. The man struggles, but the monkey won't let him back in the boat, and the man won't let go of the Bible. Finally, the Republican cries out in panic and frustration, "Why are you doing this?" The monkey leans right into the man's face and says, "Still think evolution is just a theory?"
8. A mullah, a rabbi and a televangelist are shot into space together in a new philosophical initiative by NASA. The plan is to set an example of religious tolerance on Earth and to bring evidence of Man's spirituality out into the Cosmos. They're headed for Alpha Centauri, and it's a long trip. Mostly, they spend it in suspended animation, but every few years, the unmanned robotic ship brings them out of it automatically, so they can get some exercise while their cryogenic coffins are serviced. The three clerics each address themselves separately to Allah, Jehovah and Jesus, sh*t shower and shave, and sit down together for a nice meal of salty protein sticks and glucosed mineral-water. After dinner, the rebbe breaks out a deck of cards, shuffles them and deals them out to his shipmates. They're traveling light, so there is nothing physical to wager. The televangelist suggests that they play a game of truth or dare. The loser of each hand has to admit some uncomfortable truth about himself or accept any sort of a dare from the winner of the hand. The Jew loses the first hand, and admits he once tasted ham, just out of curiosity, but only one small bite. The Muslim loses the next hand, and confesses that he once "accidentally" ate some baby-back ribs at a backyard barbeque, but he spit it out when he found out what it was. The Christian loses the next hand and says that he ate Pig all the time back on Earth, and he loved it. The other two are disgusted, but the Rabbi objects, "But, for you, it's not a sin! It doesn't count as an uncomfortable truth in this game." "You don't understand," the minister objects," 'Pig' is what me and my cousin called his little sister."
9. Q: What's the difference between a Republican and a c*nt?
A: Let's not split hairs.
10. Rupert Murdoch arrives at last at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. When he gets to the front of the line, Saint Peter asks the media mogul whether he thinks he should go to Paradise or the Inferno. "Paradise, of course, mate," Sir Rupert says. "Really? And why is that," asks St. Peter. "Well, I've given tens, maybe hundreds of dollars to charity and I've been in church more than twice. And I wouldn't mind doing a good deed, if I ever had the time," says Murdoch, squinting hopefully at the Saint's Golden Book open before him, trying to read it upside down. "Is that all?" Peter says. "Crikey, I've brought goodness and light into the lives of millions with Fox News, the Sun newspaper and the New York Post." "Oh, THAT Murdoch!" the Saint exclaims, and slams his book shut, grabbing the lever that will open the trap door over the chute to Hell, right under Rupert Murdoch's feet. "But wait, there's more!" Murdoch objects. As he yanks the lever, sending the publisher straight down into the fiery furnace, St. Peter shouts down at Murdoch, "You know, we get the Post up here!"
(All of these original attempted witticisms are the sole responsibility & property of Cosa Nostradamus)
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