COSANOSTRADAMUS PREDICTS

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PROGNOSTICATIONS FOR THE MULTITUDES

HEEL, MULTITUDES! SIT! ROLL OVER! BEG! BEG FOR YOUR HEALTHCARE!!! MUAHAHA!!

We Will Now Reveal To You Tomorrow's Headlines Today. And The Comics.

1. Both Google and Microsoft will fail to survive the next major economic downturn. The new force in computing is now called Hang-Seng Silicon Noodles, Kowloon, China.

2. Madonna will adopt Angelina Jolie. But not Brad Pitt, breaking up the set.

3. Conan O'Brien will divorce his wife and marry David Letterman in a secret ceremony in Provincetown, Mass. His ratings will still suck.

4. Nancy Pelosi will reveal that former House Speaker Newt Gingrich regularly used botox during his tenure. On his dick.

5. Barack Obama will appear at an Alabama town hall meeting wearing a Nazi SS uniform, and promise to round up and gas only liberals if Republicans vote for his healthcare holocaust. Republicans are tempted, but still won't vote for it, despite their natural attraction to holocausts, in which they claim not to believe.

6. Glenn Beck will be found to be an actual escaped mental patient with delusions of cable grandeur. Rupert Murdoch will give him a raise.

7. The New York Times and the Washington Post will merge and then quietly go out of business, cursing this new-fangled blogging thing.

8. Kathy Griffin will be found in Margot Kidder's back yard, doing something completely sane. Police will tase her, causing her to make the "C" list. (I told you it would work, Kathy.)

9. Silvio Berlusconi will fly around Florence's Old Bridge in Leonardo DaVinci's aerial screw on Assumption Day. It sounds better in Italian.

10. One of the surviving Beatles will die. Eventually.
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DEMI MOORE & BILL CLINTON!

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TOGETHER AT LAST? WHAT WILL THE HILLBOTS SAY?

FOTO FUNNIES FOR HUMP DAY

All True. And Yet, All Lies.

Surveillance satellites around the globe are focusing on celebrities wherever they are, 24/7/52/100/1000.The National Security Agency is the world's largest producer of reality shows. But none of them ever makes it out of their fortress of solitude under Dick Cheney's tomb.Until now. By violating every national security directive in the big secret book that no one is allowed to read, we can now bring you the scoops and the skinny on all your favorite well-known douche bags.

Here are the actual unretouched foto's of that famous naked person you've always wanted to see with no clothes on at all, totally nekkid, nude and naked as the day they were born. Wait, this was the day they were born. Can't show you that. You'll have to go to Africa to see that. Third m'butu on the left. Don't eat the m'bange. It tastes like mofongo.





























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SAVE TRADITIONAL OREOS

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THE INSTITUTION OF COOKIES IS THREATENED BY GAY OREOS

Gay Oreo Sex

A HINT OF MINT, THE VULGAR "DOUBLE-STUFF," AND GOD HELP US, EVEN CHOCOLATE OREOS!

Molester Oreo

Protect Our Children From These Lifestyle Choices: Even The Slightest Change Could Cause All Cookies To Crumble!

Fellow Christians and cookie worshippers, I have a sad tale to tell you. Perhaps you already know it: Our streets and our supermarkets have been overrun by purveyors of the homosexual snack agenda. That's right, brothers and sisters, the gays are in the aisles we once cherished, turning frozen pizza into panini, substituting arugula for iceberg, and warping our society's delicatessen values to conform to standards that can only be called "French" [shudder]. Where once there was good old American liverwurst, there is now only pâté . Instead of macaroni salad, sexually ambiguous "deli-istas" are purveying hummus. Could they BE any more obvious? Isn't "Hummus" just French for "homos"? Why else would they suddenly start wear prophylactic gloves just to serve up slaw and Swiss cheese? Can I get an "AMEN!!!," people?

B&D Oreos

Praise Jesus, the Republican Party is on top of this, brothers and sisters. The matter of the gay Oreos has been taken up by the Party Chairman himself, Michael Steele. Even though he is at least in part an Afro mulatto black mocha negro African-American colored person of some sort, Chairman Steele is personally offended by the gay Oreos and has pledged the full resources of the GOP, which means those of the entire global corporate world, to defending traditional Oreos. The Defend Intact Traditional Oreos Act is just baby steps away from becoming law, if the deeply perverted mint-Oreo sucking Demoqueers don't stop it. Throw your teabags out the window and shout, "I'm straight as Hell, and I'm not gonna take it up the wazoo!" [Open the window, first.] OUR CHILDREN WILL DIE GODLESS HOMOS IF YOU DON'T!!!!

S&M Oreos

What can you do? Well, it seems like these days a white Christian traditional-Oreo-loving conservative man or woman's vote just doesn't mean a thing. Thank God we managed to preserve the Second Amendment. We are recommending that every true American, by which we mean straight white Christians, download the attached Gun Stamps to purchase discounted firearms for the coming apocalypse, or, as we are rebranding it, Krystal Night, in honor of DITO spokesperson Krystal-Honey Von Nudenbacher, Miss Utah in the Miss Christian Hooters beauticians-college scholarship pageant, who was recently denied her Tenth Amendment right to secede from the union by gay homosexual bloggers only because she has accepted Jesus Christ as her personal savior. She also needs a little help with the drug charges.

Gun Stamps

Fellow white Christian heterosexuals, we know you will do your part as a church-going member of the NRA. Contact your local militia leader in the bar at the VFW, and sign on to our heavily armed crusade to Defend Intact Traditional Oreos, or DITOS. If you can contribute one hundred thousand dollars or more, you will achieve instant Junior DITO-head status, and qualify for preferred seating at the Rapture. You and your loved ones will be guaranteed a place in an all white Christian heterosexual American section of Heaven, in a shining city high on a hill where you can see the Russians, the Democrats and the Homos in Hell.

But wait! There's MORE!! If you act now, you will receive absolutely free of charge a one year subsription to GOP Chairman Steele's personal newsletter, "Traditional Oreo Journal." Operators are standing by, somewhere in Bangladesh.
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REPUBLICAN JOKES FOR THE JOHN

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A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO WARSHENDEN DEE-CEE

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE REPUKELICKIN'S COULDN'T GET ANY MORE RIDICULOUS...





We Laugh Because It Hurts Too Much To Cry


1. Two Republicans go into a gay bar. The bartender says, "What'll ya have?" The first Republican says, "I'll have what he's having," pointing to his friend. His friend says, "Let me check with Rush. I don't think we're supposed to be in here," noting suspiciously the beefcake beer posters, the complete lack of female customers, the rainbow flag and the guys making out on the pool table. He takes off his tin-foil hat, spits on it and points it toward Miami. A bolt of lightning crashes through the ceiling, killing him instantly. The first Republican says, "I guess I won't have what he's having."


2. A conservative and a liberal are arguing about global warming at the International House Of Pancakes. The liberal is wearing shorts, sandals, a Hawaiian shirt and a coconut hat. The conservative is wearing mukluks, a heavy snowsuit with big mittens attached and a great big Russian fur hat. The waitress comes to take their order and the liberal orders something liberal. The waitress turns to the conservative and asks him why he's wearing all the polar expedition gear in an IHOP in the middle of the summer. "IHOP? I thought this was the UN!"


3. Newt Gingrich is at his sixth wife's death-bed. She's pale and weak and he has no trouble removing all her jewelry, and getting her to sign a new will. "What's this, for, Command Master, dear?" his wife asks feebly. "Well, b*tch, I mean, babe, I need your as--mm-- anus," the Speaker responds gruffly. "Your wish is my command, Master. But why?" the poor woman replies. "Aw, Hell, I can't get the librul media to chew me a new one no more! And I can't hardly talk out of the old one atall!"


4. Bobby Jindal is out jogging alongside a swamp somewhere in Louisiana. A gigantic alligator lunges out of the bayou and blocks the Governor's path. "Heck! What do y'all want, alligator?" "I'm going to eat you all up unless you grant me three wishes, Governor," the alligator hisses. "I don't know that I can do that. Are you a contributor?" "My PAC gives heavily to State Senate races. All Republicans, of course. They understand reptiles." "OK. OK, What can we do for you this fine morning?" "First off, you've got to outlaw alligator shoes." "All right, I guess we can do that." "Second, I want to be designated an endangered species." "Well, I'm against that in principle, but it's Federal, so I guess I could bump it up to them. Sure, OK, as long as it's just you." "Third, when you run for President, I want to be your Vice-President." "Aw, I don't think I can do that. It might cost me the fundamentalist vote. How about Secretary of State?" The alligator lunges at the governor, snaps him up and swallows him whole. From deep inside the giant saurian, a tiny voice emerges. "Is this Jimmy Swaggart in here? DEAL, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL!!!"


5. Ann Coulter is having "relations" with a giant venomous snake. She finally gets off, and disgorges the python. The reptile slithers off into a corner and starts crying hysterically. "What the f**k is the matter with you?" Ann asks the snake. "My condom came off!" the python wails.


6. John Boehner is addressing a group of young schoolchildren when little Johnny pops up from the back of the class and asks him a question: "How come your name is 'BONER'???!!!" The Congressman explains that his name is pronounced 'BAYNER,' "It's from the German. It's not pronounced the way it looks." Little Johnny puzzles over this and then demands, "Well how come my Mom says you're such a big dick then?"


7. A Republican and a monkey are shipwrecked together, the only two survivors left in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. Their supplies consist of two oars, one shiny waterproof thermal blanket, one bottle of water, one box of rations, one flare and one Bible. Both survivors eye all the gear, which plainly is enough for only one of them. The monkey picks up the Bible and tosses it overboard. The Republican jumps in after it and manages to rescue the Good Book. When he tries to get back in the boat, the monkey smacks the Republican's hand with an oar repeatedly. The man struggles, but the monkey won't let him back in the boat, and the man won't let go of the Bible. Finally, the Republican cries out in panic and frustration, "Why are you doing this?" The monkey leans right into the man's face and says, "Still think evolution is just a theory?"


8. A mullah, a rabbi and a televangelist are shot into space together in a new philosophical initiative by NASA. The plan is to set an example of religious tolerance on Earth and to bring evidence of Man's spirituality out into the Cosmos. They're headed for Alpha Centauri, and it's a long trip. Mostly, they spend it in suspended animation, but every few years, the unmanned robotic ship brings them out of it automatically, so they can get some exercise while their cryogenic coffins are serviced. The three clerics each address themselves separately to Allah, Jehovah and Jesus, sh*t shower and shave, and sit down together for a nice meal of salty protein sticks and glucosed mineral-water. After dinner, the rebbe breaks out a deck of cards, shuffles them and deals them out to his shipmates. They're traveling light, so there is nothing physical to wager. The televangelist suggests that they play a game of truth or dare. The loser of each hand has to admit some uncomfortable truth about himself or accept any sort of a dare from the winner of the hand. The Jew loses the first hand, and admits he once tasted ham, just out of curiosity, but only one small bite. The Muslim loses the next hand, and confesses that he once "accidentally" ate some baby-back ribs at a backyard barbeque, but he spit it out when he found out what it was. The Christian loses the next hand and says that he ate Pig all the time back on Earth, and he loved it. The other two are disgusted, but the Rabbi objects, "But, for you, it's not a sin! It doesn't count as an uncomfortable truth in this game." "You don't understand," the minister objects," 'Pig' is what me and my cousin called his little sister."


9. Q: What's the difference between a Republican and a c*nt?
A: Let's not split hairs.


10. Rupert Murdoch arrives at last at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. When he gets to the front of the line, Saint Peter asks the media mogul whether he thinks he should go to Paradise or the Inferno. "Paradise, of course, mate," Sir Rupert says. "Really? And why is that," asks St. Peter. "Well, I've given tens, maybe hundreds of dollars to charity and I've been in church more than twice. And I wouldn't mind doing a good deed, if I ever had the time," says Murdoch, squinting hopefully at the Saint's Golden Book open before him, trying to read it upside down. "Is that all?" Peter says. "Crikey, I've brought goodness and light into the lives of millions with Fox News, the Sun newspaper and the New York Post." "Oh, THAT Murdoch!" the Saint exclaims, and slams his book shut, grabbing the lever that will open the trap door over the chute to Hell, right under Rupert Murdoch's feet. "But wait, there's more!" Murdoch objects. As he yanks the lever, sending the publisher straight down into the fiery furnace, St. Peter shouts down at Murdoch, "You know, we get the Post up here!"


(All of these original attempted witticisms are the sole responsibility & property of Cosa Nostradamus)
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CHANGE!!! CHANGIER!!! CHANGIEST!!!

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MY FRIENDS, CHANGE WITH ME

NOW IS THE TIME FOR ALL GOOD MEN TO COME TO THE KOOL-AID OF THEIR COUNTRY





Loose Change? Spare Change? Any Change At All? Send It To Me!!!

I'm throwing my chapeau in the anneau. I am the only candidate who will rock your world. I will make you do things you never thought possible. America, you will be my bitch. And you will love it. Bring your milkshakes on over here.

I will disassemble the White House and reassemble it on the Moon. I will move the Presidential offices and quarters to a giant golden barge floating in the Potomac. I will move the whole thing to Maalaea Bay every Halloween, and back every Easter.

I will establish Druidism as the official State religion. Tree-hugging will be required of all citizens every Sunday morning. In the nude. Bring lubricant. Amen.

I will withdraw all armed forces from all bases around the world, and bring them all home at once. Sleazy bars, tattoo parlors, pawn shops and massage parlors all over the world will follow the troops home. Unemployed servicemen and women and cheap foreign sex-workers will take over the streets and alleyways, parking lots and shopping malls of every town in America. No one will ever dare attack us again.

Abortion will be mandatory, except where the Mom is really hot, or the Dad has advanced sports skills. We will slowly build a race of jocks and bimbo's, and move to the Moon, before the Comet strikes the Earth. Smart people will stay right where they are. So it is written, on the men's room wall at the bus station.

There will be no more economy, stupid. It has never been anything but trouble. Our scientists will force hamburgers, pizza, and salad mix (for girls) to grow on trees, so we never have to work again. We will use our leisure to compose epic poetry and filthy limericks, while eating grapes fed to us by Japanese androids who can also do origami, and neck massages. Rivers of beer will flow through the arboreal dell.

There will be free health care for all, dispensed by vending machines outside of convenience stores in small towns and suburbs, and in dirty book stores in all the major cities except for Salt Lake City. There will be no health care at all in Salt Lake City. You should have voted for me, you Morons.

There will be Ritalin in all Coca-Cola exported to foreign countries, to make them less fidgety and easier to manage. There will be an era of unparalleled peace and prosperity everywhere, except for Belgium. EAT SH*T YOU F*CKING WALLOONS!!!

That is all.
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IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES

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IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES

U.S. PROGRESSIVE BLOGGERS PROVED RIGHT

But Bloggers Overseas Are Getting Locked Up

I guess we should focus on this, now that we're actually slaying dragons. The American people have finally come to their senses, and now support the progressive agenda 100%. We hope. Meanwhile, our blogging buddies in countries such as China, Egypt, Zimbabwe and Iran are being dragged off to the Bastille, or Gitmo, or the Lubyanka, or whatever they call it in their countries. For blogging. It would seem somebody out there thinks blogging matters.

If you'd like to help these hero bloggers, check out the links below. Well, go on, DO something!!!

Now, if we could only get the TV NewsNets to fire all those tired old corporate talking heads, and give some bloggers a chance to investigate, analyze, inform, interview and cajole, maybe people who can still get out of their chairs might start watching TV again. Maybe?

Some of us would love a high five-figure salary. That alone would save the NewsNets a whole figure, which they could then invest in actual journalism. And by journalism, I mean muck-raking on issues, not gossiping. Just don't expect us to kiss your corporate asses. You'll be the first ones we investigate. Make my checks out to CASH.

And if you have any cash, send it to some of the best bloggers around, American Street. Or maybe:

The Open Rights Group
Electronic Frontier Foundation
Privacy Rights Clearinghouse
ColorOfChange.org
ACLU Blog of Rights
Become a Blogger for Human Rights



THE BLOGOSPHERE RESPONDS WITH MESSAGES OF SUPPORT & SOLIDARITY WHEN COPS BUST IN THE DOOR:


"HE DID IT!!!"
(points at next nearest blogger)



They would never arrest bloggers in this country. Then they'd have to feed them.


Top Ten ELEVEN Blogger Responses On Being Arrested:
1. "FINALLY! You noticed! Somebody noticed!!!"
2. "Wow. This is better than winning a Bloggie."
3. "Doooood! You know what you just did for my street cred???!!!"
4. "Don't get cocky, flatfoot. Atrios'll have me out of here in a matter of hours."
5. [3 days later] "Damn. Maybe I shoulda emailed Aravosis."
6. "I can bring my laptop to prison, right? Oh, man blogging from PRISON!!! WOO-HOO!!!"
7. "I'm assuming you have broadband? You're kidding, right? SH*T!!! I HATE YOU GOD!!!"
8. "I hope KOS spells my nick right. I shouldn't have used all those special characters."
9. "Gitmo? No prob. Love Cuban food. Me gusta los sandwiches cubanos."
10. "I believe maggots are a violation of the Geneva Convention. Guard? GUARD!"
11. "I was just trolling. Honest to God. Can I please go home, now? I'll give you Echidne's phone number..."

[crossposted at americablog]
" Blogger arrests increasing"
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"MIGHT BE?"

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HOW IS THIS EVEN NEWS???

Talk About Lazy Reporting!!!

Come on, guys. At least pretend to be working. How can you run a story about what might be? Jeez, how unprofessional. Hey, if there is a story there, lets hear it. Go out and get us the facts, report something, for Gawd's sake!


Serious Mite Bee Found On Honey Bees In Hawaii
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WHITE TRASH JOKES

REDNECK FUNNIES

No Offense, Mr. President...


Why are there no white trash fertility clinics?
They would just have to tell the women to try another brother.


What do you call the moisture between two white trash people having sex?
Relative humidity.


A white trash man and a white trash woman don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in NY. The doctor asks what state he is from and the man says that he is from Alabama. The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California. When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the exact same thing that the doctor in New York told him. The husband figures that the doctors must be right. So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''


This guy walks into a white trash bar and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"


Hank and Jenny Sue, both white trash, went for a walk in the countryside. After a while, Hank had to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excused himself. Jenny Sue waited for Hank...and waited, and waited. Finally, she looked inside and saw Hank stirring around in the outhouse muck with a stick. "Hank, what the hell are you doing, stirring in the shit?" she yells. "I dropped my jacket down the hole," he complains. "It's the one my momma gave me." Jenny Sue shakes her head. "You're crazy ... you're not gonna wear that thing now, are you?" "Hell no," Hank assures her, "but there's a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!"





"More White Trash Jokes"
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