THE FIVE MOST EFFECTIVE QUESTIONS OF SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE
PEOPLE TOO SUCCESSFUL TO DEVELOP HABITS
Ask These Questions, And You, Too Can Have Your Own Infomercial!
But wait! There's more!
1. "Are you gay?"
Ask this of everyone you meet. Success means getting laid a lot. Successful people don't waste time on other people who don't even share their gender preferences. If you're gay, and so are they, bingo, you've saved a lot of time. If not, you've saved yourself a lot of time. Either way, say it with me:
"YOU'VE SAVED YOURSELF A LOT OF TIME!"
If you're straight, this eliminates all those embarrassing, "Uh, I should tell you, um, I'm gay... but you're a very nice person, ah..." conversations. Move on to the "fuckables," as we successful types refer to the rest of you. If a member of the opposite sex says "NO!" to this question, you're in like Flynn. (Just his heterosexual side, though.)
Your next remark should be, "Oh, sorry, you have sort of a gay vibe. Not that there's anything wrong with that..." Now they HAVE to fuck you, just to prove they're not gay. If only to themselves. And, best of all:
"YOU'VE SAVED YOURSELF A LOT OF TIME!"
2. "Could I just get you to do something for me, real quick?"
Most people like to be helpful. Most people want to be liked. Most people are just waiting to be told what to do. Every night before you go to bed, review your goals, and make a list of things you can do tomorrow to help reach these goals. In the morning, review your goals, and underline the ones you'd like to work on today.
Then, go find people who will drop everything to accomplish goals that benefit only you. This is capitalism at its' best. Use more than one person, as needed, per day. If you find an especially useful person, use them every day. Have them acquire money somehow, and use some of it to reward them. Artists, athletes, and executives are best for this.
"YOU'VE JUST SAVED YOURSELF A LOT OF TIME!"
3. "Can you afford to lose ten million dollars?"
Weed out the cheapskates, right away. Also, the really smart people. They're nothing but trouble. What you want are stupid egomaniacs whose buttons are easy to press. Simply turn and walk away from anyone who says "No." If they don't follow you, they're not worth bothering with.
Ask anyone who says yes, "Do you have complete control of your own checkbook?" Now you've implied they are incompetent, or pussy-whipped. Or whatever the female equivalent is. (Oh, yeah: MARRIED.)
Next, tell them to make it out to "CASH." Go directly to the branch of the bank whose address is printed on their check, cash the check, and buy a small island nation. You'll be glad you did. Next, void all extradition treaties with the U.S., and have yourself declared God. You'll be glad you did. Why? Because
"YOU'VE JUST SAVED YOURSELF A LOT OF TIME!"
4. "Do you have the President's cell-phone number?"
Almost no one does. But those who do can be very useful. Get the number from them, and start calling the President first thing every morning. Tell him you've got today's talking points. Then have him do your bidding. It's just that simple. At least, for the next four years.
Don't get greedy here: Leave the swag in Iraq to Halliburton. Dick Cheney is one of our seminar-graduates, and he'll rip your balls/tits off. But there's still plenty of swag out there. And, now that you have the President's personal cell-phone number, you have special access. The best part:
"YOU'VE JUST SAVED YOURSELF A LOT OF TIME!"
5. "Do you know exactly where and when the benevolent Alien ships land?"
This may seem like a silly question. You will get a lot of silly answers. But, someday, this is going to be the most important question of all time, especially for successful people. The Aliens won't want to breed a bunch of losers. And this could be your chance to fuck Cheryl Crow, or Lance Armstrong. In fact, the breeding program will pretty much define success, in the End Times. Ask. So what if you feel silly?
"YOU'VE JUST SAVED YOURSELF A LOT OF TIME!"
GET IT NOW!!!
"FIVE MOST EFFECTIVE QUESTIONS OF SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE"
For A Complete Set Of CDs Featuring Our Entire Series Of Success Seminars (tm)
Send $99 (US) in small, unmarked bills to:
Hal I. Burton
c/o The Residence,
Naval Observatory
Washington, DC
"YOU'VE JUST SAVED YOURSELF A LOT OF TIME!"
ACT NOW!!!
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Just like the kind they're SUPPOSED to have in Iraq!!!
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posted by Cosa Nostradamus @ 12/11/2004 11:58:00 PM
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