THANKSGIVING

IT'S TURKEY DAY

Let's All Stuff Ourselves

I love turkey. I eat it all the time. It's in everything, now. Turkey bacon, turkey sausage, turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey ice cream. It's like tofu for carnivores. I guess it's supposed to be good for you. Or, maybe it's just cheap. Leaves plenty of money for paying dieticians to say it's good for you. Come on, how much can a dietician cost?

I don't care. I still like turkey. Even if it is good for me. Barbequed is good. Hot turkey sandwiches, with gravy. Turkey tetrazini. Turkey pot pie. Turkey soup. Turkey and melted cheddar with avocado, bacon, Virginia ham and honey-mustard on sourdough bread. Smoked turkey with pastrami, Swiss cheese, corned beef, cole slaw and Russan dressing on Jewish rye. Turkey breast, provolone, roast beef, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, red wine vinegar, olive oil, garlic salt, oregano, black pepper on toasted Italian bread. Dark meat turkey with cranberry sauce, Hellmann's mayo, on a fresh, buttered hard roll. Are you getting sick, yet?

One of the best meals I've ever had was turkey cutlet in hazelnut sauce, baby carrots, new potatoes and fresh greens. The hazelnut sauce was unbelievable. It was in a little French restaurant in Quebec city, on Canadian Thanksgiving, in early October, about ten, fifteen years ago. I walked out of my hotel, and discovered that most everything in town was closed. I was lucky to have found this place, as I wandered around the walled city. I couldn't figure out why everything was so quiet. There was hardly anybody on the streets. It was early October, I didn't know it was a holiday.

They have to have Thanksgiving early, before they get snowed in, I guess. I saw some candles burning in the windows of this place, so I looked in. There were a few people in there, eating. There was a chalkboard on the door, offering "dinde." That's turkey, in French, I discovered. It was cozy inside, nice and warm, and friendly. They were happy to see me on a holiday. They explained to me about Canadian Thanksgiving. Dinde was the only thing on the menu that day, prix fixe.

Well, I have ancestors in Canada, going back centuries. Buried, I trust. So I thought I'd celebrate two Thanksgivings that year, one early. You can never be too thankful. I got my American dollar's worth. Really good food. Nice people. Actually, it was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. So, how was yours?

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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

YES, I KNOW THEY'RE NOT

That Was The Passive Voice

Women speak a different language. We all know that "Maybe" means "Yes," "Yes" means "No," and "No" means "Maybe." "Thank you," means "I'll get you for this." "I don't want to talk about it," means "Apologize or die." "We need to talk about this," means "I've already moved your stuff out." "Do I look fat in this," means "Say I look great, or else."

"You're welcome", means "Go fuck yourself." "Let's be friends," means, "I'd rather fuck the dog." "I like a man who owns a dog, " means "I'd like to fuck that guy, and then move in with a guy who cooks, cleans, lifts the toilet seat then puts it back down, and has a cat." Here are some simple translations of everyday words, to aid in the building of a Glossary of Understanding, that men and women might one day live in peace:


WOMANSPEAK = MANSPEAK

Bikini Area = Crotch
Cute = Unfuckable
Sensitive = Gay
Gay = Potential Lover/ Potential Rival
Marron = Brown
Mauve = Brown
Teal = Brown
Beige = Brown
Aubergine = Brown
Issues = Psychoses
Psychoses = Other Peoples Problems
My Friend = Mercy Hump; or, Her Period
My Kids = Goat-like Little Bastards
Uncle = Possible Father
Ex = Scumbag
Bank Account = Black Hole
Fantasy = Don't Go There
Oil Change = $300
Lesbian = Prettier Girl
Girl = Bitch
Bitch = What She's Not/ What She Can Be
Dog = Man
Man = Dog
Out Of Control = Not Doing Exactly What She Wants At All Times; Too Independent; Free
Free = Available
Redneck = Southern Gentleman
White Trash = Southern Gentleman's Family
Hillbilly = Southern Gentleman's Ex-Girlfriend
Whore = Your current, Or Ex-Girlfriend
Girlfriend = Black Girl
Homey = Black guy
Asian = Oriental
Latino = Spanish
Continental = Eurotrash
British = Unusually Pale, Spotty People With Bad Teeth Who Talk Funny
Francais = Frog
Flight Attendant = Stewardess
Housekeeper = Maid
Gardener = Illegal Alien
Educator = Teacher
Therapist = Headshrinker
Executive Assistant = Secretary
Physician's Assistant = Nurse
Doctor = Eternal Graduate Student
Blemish = Zit
Cold Sore = Herpes
Liberal = Fuckable
Conservative = Unfuckable
Thing In The Car = Engine
Thing In The Car = Transmission
Thing In The Car = Steering Wheel
Whisk = Thing In The Kitchen
Zester = Thing In The Kitchen
Food Processor = Thing In The Kitchen
Duvet = Thing In The Bedroom
Comforter = Thing In The Bedroom
Sham = Thing In The Bedroom
Pashmina = Rag
Blouse = Shirt
Slacks = Pants
Chapeau = Hat
Bra = Titsling
Panties = Gift Wrapping
Purse = Gunny Sack
Shoes = Personality
Boyfriend = Current Fuck
Fiance = Placeholder
Husband = Temp
Mother = Tormenter
Father = Husband Prototype
Sister = Rival
Brother = That Thing On The Couch
God = Ice Cream
Ice Cream = Guilt
Guilt = God
Candy Dish = Ash Tray
Objet D'Art = Ash Tray
Scented Candle = Ash Tray
Love = Committment
Sex = Payment



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TO POST A COMMENT: CLICK ON "COMMENTS," "Post a Comment" or "# of COMMENTS" just below the SOCIAL BOOKMARKING LINKS (Digg, Delicious, etc), about three inches down from here. Please do comment. Thank you.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM YOUR BLOGGERS:

Suggestion Box & Tip Jar We would like to make over this blog to make it easier to access, to read and to comment on. We would also like to serve our readers better by providing more of what you need and want to see. All serious suggestions will be considered. We hope to move to our own domain in the near future, and we would like to ask for your financial assistance in doing that, and in upgrading our hardware & software. Small one-time donations and larger long-term subscriptions are welcome. Exclusive advertising is also available. If you think we are wasting our time in doing all this, please let us know. If you wish to help us, now is the time. As always, negative bullsh*t from right-wing trolls will be sh*tcanned. Thank you to everyone else. Please send feedback & PayPal contributions to cosanostradamusATexciteDOTcom. Thanks.

SUPPORT OUR TROOPS: BRING THEM ALL HOME ALIVE, NOW!