NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR OTHER PEOPLE WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE
01. Everyone in the news business should retire. Everyone. Now.
02. Everyone in Congress should hire really good "trahl loyahs," and try to get out of their deals with the Devil.
03. You should share some of your beauty secrets. You look FABulous!
04. Everyone should have an Infomercial. Everyone.
05. Your Mom should become your agent, and nag you a contract with somebody. A really good one, somewhere. ANYwhere, Mom!
06. Rod Serling, where are you now that we REALLY need you?
07. Conan should kill Jay and get it over with. John Stewart should kill Dave and take over his show, too. Then TV should just go off the air, or show naked people, after midnight.
08. Army dudes should make Rummy ride in an unarmoured truck with them from Fallujah to Najev and back again. Twice. Daily. With no body armor, either, dudes. You go with the Army you have, ASSHOLE!
09. Show someone your tits today: A total stranger, but, like only if they're really PERFECT. If they're not perfect, then get plastic surgery, for God's sake! What's wrong with you? (Girls only.)
10. Jesus Christ should pay a visit to the Oval Office. (Only if He really exists.)