SOUTH CAROLINA GOVERNOR FOUND IN GAY LOVE NEST
MARK SANFORD & NEWT GINGRICH SHACKED UP IN MIAMI BEACH
"AH JEST CAIN'T QUIT 'IM" THE GOVERNOR CRIES
Republicans Signal Shift From Straying Evangelicals To Disaffected GLBTs
After five days off the radar, or gaydar, 2012 Republican Presidential hopeful conservative South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has resurfaced in a leather bar in famously gay Miami Beach, Florida. He was on his way to a religious retreat in Waco, Texas when he stopped in the Columbia International Airport men's toilets, and the rest is history. Or herstory.
"Ah set down, jest tuh thank, an' Ah sawr this big ol' pair uh brown shoes in t'other stawull. One of 'em come toowards meh under the par-tition, and Ah just found myself a-wantin' tuh rub on up agin' it. Tarns out, it was Newt Gingrich! Ah tuk it as a sign. We both canceled our plans and flew straight, er, gay to Mah-ammah."
"After three days of passionate gay love-making, I finally realized, it wasn't women I hated: It was myself!" former Speaker of the House and Nancy Pelosi critic Gingrich stated. "I mean, I divorced a woman on her death-bed, but I went right on and married another woman, and hated her too! But it was ME!!! I hated who I was, and how I couldn't just be me. But that's all over. The games of footsie in remote public toilets are over. This is it."
Governor Sanford took executive action on a bar napkin under his authority as Governor of South Carolina and divorced himself today from his wife of seventeen years Myrtle Magnolia Beach-Sanford of the wealthy Beach clan of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Mssrs Sandford & Gingrich plan to fly to Massachusetts to be married tomorrow. "We realize that this is taking the Republican Party in a whole 'nother direction, especially since Rush Limbaugh will be our bridesmaid. But the Christian fundamentalist thing just hasn't been working for us, personally or politically. They're so judgmental. They think greed is a sin! We're hoping that our own immorality will mesh with the sodomites, and that we can retake the White House and Congress by an appeal to pagan family values. We're hip, now! Totally, like, kewl, man! I have an iPod! Our consultants say it'll work. Teh gaiis are THAT p*ssed at Obama! And hey, if we have to eat a little c**k..." "Hey!" Sanford ejaculated. "Or even a big one, so be it. It's worth it!" Gingrich concluded, kissing the bride to a round of applause from the South Beach crowd. The couple are registered at Bed, Bath & Dungeon.
"SC governor's whereabouts unknown, even to wife"
Why should his wife know where he is?
' Where is South Carolina's governor? The lieutenant governor doesn't know, and neither does a state senator who's a close confidante. Even Gov. Mark Sanford's wife is in the dark. Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer said he's been told the governor's staff is in contact with the second-term Republican, but Sanford's wife said she hasn't heard from him in several days, including Father's Day. "He was writing something and wanted some space to get away from the kids," Jenny Sanford told The Associated Press while vacationing with the couple's four sons at their Sullivans Island beach house. She said she didn't know where he was, but wasn't concerned. Sanford, who's also chairman of the Republican Governors Association, earned a reputation as the nation's most vocal anti-bailout governor by refusing $700 million in federal stimulus money for schools until he lost a court battle earlier this month. His spokesman Joel Sawyer released a statement saying the governor was taking a break after losing the fight. '.
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