STALKING THE WILD BUSH VOTER

RARE ANIMAL SPOTTED IN DISCOUNT DRUG STORE

Could Be The Last Of His Species

I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy, a man said he looked pretty ill. Actually, he said something I didn't understand. He was looking at the Sunday paper in my shopping basket. There was a headline about Bush, or Kerry, or something. This old white guy, maybe ninety years old, was reading it, and talking back to it. (I do that with the TV, or the radio, even, sometimes. But never the newspaper. The NEWSPAPER can't HEAR you! I guess that's what people talked back to, before there was radio, or TV...) Mumbling, blithering, babbling, blathering. Then he turned to me a few degrees, you know, the way some old people do? You don't know if they can't turn their heads all the way left or right, or if they merely disdain to do so.

"That Kerry, he's no good." I ignored him. "He's a liar," continued the venerable sage. "And Bush isn't?" I inquired. The white Buddha went on, oblivious, inscrutable. "Bush won't let 'em kill babies for cloning." "Well, that's just pandering to the Alzheimers' vote. And it seems to be working," I opined. "The Bishops said he's no good," intoned the man. "He's for men marrying men." "Instead of molesting little boys, like a good Catholic?" "Haw? What? Hanh?"

He had reached the register, and the cashier was asking him for his Medicaid discount card. He couldn't find it. He searched for it. We all waited. Finally, he found it, and he paid for his drugs with a platinum credit card. I was tempted to snatch it out of his hand, and run off to Tahiti. But Hawaii is bad enough. When the cashier tried to give it back to him, he didn't even recognize it. "Is that mine?" She put it in his hand, bagged his stuff, and sent him on his way. "Enjoy your Social Security, Pops. It should last about as long as you do, under Bush," I sneered.

"No way I'm voting for Bush," the cashier said. She was a young local Chinese girl. She looked tired. "I'm working two jobs now, and I may have to drop out of school." "Hang in there, kiddo. Vote for Kerry and things will get better." "I dunno. Is he really all that different?" "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well you might find, you get what you need." "Hunh," she said, checking ME for signs of Alzheimers. "I think I will probly vote for Kerry." With MY vote, we won the DRUGSTORE!!! Look out, Big Pharma!

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AN IMMODEST PROPOSAL

THE FEW, THE PROUD, THE GAYS;
OR, GOMER PYLE, USGC

It's Time We Established A Gay Corps

No, I'm not going to complain about the tacky uniforms, or the drab colour we paint our battleships. I'm not going to suggest that what this man's Army needs is a nice bunch of talented interior decorators, like those queer guys on TV. And I'm not criticizing miltary chow, though it is bland, greasy, overcooked and fattening, and probably could use some arugula, or a dijon-szechuan-guacamole-mole-bourguignon, with some pan-fried truffles lightly dusted with a fine, home-grown cardamom from the upper slopes of Mount Kilimanjaro, picked on a misty morning by honest peasants earning a surprisingly good living. No. I'm talking about other skills the military needs even more, right now. Although, a little cardamom wouldn't kill them.

The Army kicked a bunch of its' Arabic-language translators out of their exclusive foreign-language training school in Santa Barbara, California a while ago. They deliberately threw away skills it cost a lot of time, effort and money to develop, skills we needed then, and still more now. Why? Because the students admitted they were gay. HELLO! ARMY! Male LANGUAGE-majors??? You didn't see THAT one coming? Jeez, military intelligence, hunh?

Remember, it's OK to be gay in the military; it's just not OK to admit it. This is for reasons of morale and security. And what's better for morale and security than setting your best people up for blackmail, and forcing them to lead a life of lies and deception among the troops? It seems to me that, other than the HORRENDOUS problem of gays having to shower with straights (who never clean their hair out of the drain), the blackmail thing is the only real problem with gays in the military. And our current policy just makes it worse. Christ, install private shower-stalls for the straights. Get the queers out of the closet. Problem solved.

They will never be able to keep gays out of the military. There's no mark of Cain on them, and some gays may not even know they're gay until they're already in the military. So, all you're doing is telling people to lie, cover up and deceive their superior officers, and the other people whose lives may depend on them, some day. It's just stupid. Wildly counter-productive.

Are the officers and senior NCOs so genuinely homophobic that they simply cannot BEAR to know that there are gays in their outfits? I mean, in their units? I mean, their organizations? Then, maybe these homophobes should leave the military. Maybe they just don't have the discipline, the trust, the loyalty, and the comradery for Army life. Unfortunately, right now, Bush's unwise, unfair and possibly unlawful policies of repeated call-ups and extended deployments, stop-loss orders and involuntary extensions, intimidation and threats, are all just driving more people away from the military. They can't afford to lose any more people, nor turn anyone away. Especially not if Bush gets four more years to start senseless, unnecessary wars. So the homos and the homophobes will have to learn to live together, for the duration.

Here's what I propose, to solve the military/gay problem and the recruitment/retention problems: A separate but equal Corps of Gays, in each service. With special ensignia, badges and uniforms. The beret is already taken, so maybe a wee tam-o-shanter, with a tasteful plaid kilt, like the Highlanders. And everyone could proudly wear a pink triangle, like on their hat or something, so the straight guys can run away when they see them coming like, into the showers or wherever.

Yes, they would get their asses kicked a lot, but that happens to the Air Force now. It would just toughen them up for battle. This could be dealt with by setting up recruiting stations right inside gay gyms and leather bars. Some of those guys and gals are pretty tough already! And, given a chance to prove their patriotism, to serve their country, and to wear kilts, I think many gays would gladly step forward, and plug those holes in our ranks. I mean, fill the needs of our military. I mean, cover the Pentagons' ass. Hey, I'm just saying, think about it.

Imagine the war movies. It could mean a second career for Arnold, after being duh Governator. He could be the first movie General in charge of the new Gay Corps. Everybody would wonder about him. Or, how 'bout: "The Exceptionally Clean Dozen." "Rambo & Fred." "The Great Escape To Fire Island For The Weekend." "Boy-Band Of Brothers." "Foomfing-Up Private Ryan." "Twelve O'Clock High." No change needed there.



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TO POST A COMMENT: CLICK ON "COMMENTS," "Post a Comment" or "# of COMMENTS" just below the SOCIAL BOOKMARKING LINKS (Digg, Delicious, etc), about three inches down from here. Please do comment. Thank you.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM YOUR BLOGGERS:

Suggestion Box & Tip Jar We would like to make over this blog to make it easier to access, to read and to comment on. We would also like to serve our readers better by providing more of what you need and want to see. All serious suggestions will be considered. We hope to move to our own domain in the near future, and we would like to ask for your financial assistance in doing that, and in upgrading our hardware & software. Small one-time donations and larger long-term subscriptions are welcome. Exclusive advertising is also available. If you think we are wasting our time in doing all this, please let us know. If you wish to help us, now is the time. As always, negative bullsh*t from right-wing trolls will be sh*tcanned. Thank you to everyone else. Please send feedback & PayPal contributions to cosanostradamusATexciteDOTcom. Thanks.

SUPPORT OUR TROOPS: BRING THEM ALL HOME ALIVE, NOW!