STOP THE PRESSES!!!
ALL PROGRAMMING WILL BE SUSPENDED FOR 24/7 SPECIAL COVERAGE!
Breaking News: Somebody Fucked Somebody Else
This has never happened to any living organism in the whole history of the universe and beyond, since the beginning of time. The entire population of the solar system was shocked today by the revelation that someone they don't personally know and have only vaguely ever heard of may have had sex, allegedly, with someone else no one knows. Everyone else's life came to a complete halt as every last one of us was frozen in shock, waiting for the media, the government, or some local religious outlet, to tell us exactly what to think, feel, say and do about this earth-shattering experience. All other business, no matter how important, is forgotten forever.
How easy life was yesterday! We had only the war, the economy, terrorism, unemployment, the election, inflation, AIDS, poisoned food; poor education, housing, health care and transportation services; high taxes, government corruption and incompetence, and our own personal problems to think about. Oh, if only those simpler times were back! If only no one had ever fucked anyone! Oh, woe is me!! WOE IS ME!!! Will this fucking never cease?
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