BRETHREN AND SISTERN...
LET US PRAY
Bwahahaha!!!
I read this awful thing by way of Weblackey's kewl site, "Toyblog." You just have to read it for yourselves. It would be funny, if it weren't so scary. A "Christian" minister and TV talking head wants to know "What's Wrong With The White Race" (his words, honest), cuz they don't hate gays quite as much as them other, presumably inferior "races" do.
See, the problem is, all the gays have been removed from the New Testament. I think. Fuck, what, I'm gonna READ that shit? Huh! Why should I read it, when I can WRITE it? No law against that, right? Yet? Not the whole thing, just one Book, maybe, like the Mormons did. Only, see, it's a JOKE Book! Get it?!
The Bible, up to now, has just not been fun. It lacks a certain Genessee kwap. Oh yeah: A FREAKIN SENSE OF HUMOUR!!! GAWD AWMIGHTY is it not funny! No wonder hatemongers and angry assholes everywhere take it to bed every night. I'm changing that, right freakin' NOW. OK? Hanh?
THE BOOK OF JOKE
1:1:1
Two Jews go into a bar...
No, wait, make that, two Disciples go into a gay bar. The first Disciple says to the second Disciple, "Eh, uh, I think we're in a gay bar, man." The second Disciple says, "I know, but I love their nuts."
Badumbump. Amen.
1:2:1
So, Jesus and Mary are riding along on their donkeys, and this really skinny transvestite stops them in the middle of Moishe Boulevard, in Old Bethlehem. "Please," the poor soul says, "I haven't had a bite for days." Mary turns to Jesus and gives him a look. Jesus says, "Aw, Ma, I bit the LAST one!"
Thank you, thank you, I'll be in the Sheoul Grill next Wednesday.
1:3:1
Saul of Tarsus, who was always a little... funny.. if you know what I mean, is out baptizing heathens with Jesus one fine Saturday morning in the River Jordan. Jesus' robe is soaking wet and you can see EVERYTHING. Saul looks pointedly at the Redeemer of All Mankinds schvantz, which is no laughing matter, and says, "So, nu, I thought you were Jewish." And Jesus says: "Saul, you're not funny. I don't care what anybody says about you."
You see, Saul... Ah, never mind...
1:4:1
Christ is hanging on the cross for like, a week, it seems to Him, when suddenly a bird lands right on His nose, which was quite large, by the way, though you can't tell from the way they've retouched the pictures. So, anyway, the bird looks straight into Christ's eye and says, "I'll grant you three wishes if you can tell me what kind of bird I am." So Christ thinks a minute and says, "I'm the Son Of God. What could you possibly do for me that I couldn't do for myself?" And the bird says, "You don't look so hot at the moment, schmuck," and flies away. And Christ yells, "A MOCKINGBIRD, A MOCKINGBIRD!!!" But the bird is gone. And Christ, in his greatest moment of agony, says, "Father, why hast thou forsaken me?" And God thunders down from on High, "What, I sent you a BIRD!"
Don't forget to tip your waitresses, folks!
1:5:1
Judas, Peter and Paul are taking a schvitz at the baths in Jerusalem. Judas gets up to pour some cool water on himself, exposing a large tattoo. Paul says to him, "That's not kosher." And Judas says, "Whatta YOU know? You're a CHRISTIAN!"
He goes out of the sauna, and Peter turns to Paul, saying, "There's something about that guy..."
Jesus! Tough room!
1:6:1
A waiter at the Last Supper is clearing away the dirty dishes, when someone pinches his ass. He turns angrily toward the Disciples, but nobody gives a sign of who did the pinching. He goes back to clearing the table, and there's another pinch on his ass. He's really pissed, now, and he whirls on the Disciples, giving them a look that could have melted bronze, which in that age is as much as you could expect. The Disciples all go on looking innocent. The poor waiter has no choice but to return to his task, nervously anticipating the next pinch. When it finally comes, he hurls a dish at the wall, and it smashes into a million pieces, as he yells at the top of his lungs, "WHADDYA THINK THIS IS, A FUCKING CABARET???!!!"
Jesus smiles beatifically and says to the waiter, "They said there would be a floor show."
Hello? Testing, 1-2-3. Is this thing on?
1:7:1
A leper, a harlot and a moneychanger are trying to get a cab-chariot, when suddenly Jesus pulls up, driving one. The Harlot says, "Jesus, I didn't know you were driving a cab." And Jesus says, "Yeah, construction is a little slow right now." The Moneylender says, "Well, with interest rates like this, what do you expect?" And Jesus says, crossly, "Don't get me started!" Then the Leper comes forth and begs Jesus to heal his his affliction. "Sorry," Christ says, "I'm off duty," and speeds away.
Is that crickets I hear chirping?
1:8:1
Mary Magdalen is knitting a scarf for Jesus, and she wants him to try it on. Jesus wraps the scarf around his neck, and it's a little short. So, presto, chango, he snaps his fingers, and makes the scarf just the right length. Mary looks disappointed and says, "Aw, Christ, I wanted to do that!" And Christ says, "You want to do the loaves and fishes, too, or should we go to a restaurant like normal people?" And Mary Magdelen says, "Normal people?" And Christ says, "Yeah, you know: Goyim."
Say cheese, at least, if you're just going to sit there, folks...
1:9:1
A little girl and a little boy are playing on the beach beside the Dead Sea, when Jesus comes strolling across the surface of the sea. "How'd'you do that?" says the little boy. And Jesus says "Who you calling a Jew?" and makes a great fish come out of the water and swallow both of the children. From inside the Leviathan, the little girl says, "No, he said 'How. Did. You. Do. That?' " And Jesus says, "Oh. OK. See you in Heaven then," and strolls away on the water.
I just flew in from Golgotha, and boy, are my arms tired!
1:10:1
Joseph is banging and zwoozhing and scraping away in his workshop one day, when two interior decorators come in to see him about a job. They ask him for references, and some idea of his rates. "References? My son is the Savior of Humanity." So the first interior decorator turns to Joseph and says, "Oh, that was you?" And Joseph says, "Yup." And the second interior decorator says to Joseph, "Immaculate conception... how does that work?" And Joseph says, "Fuck if I know."
Thanks, you've been a great audience!
(All jokes are the sole responsibility of the proprietor of this blog, who hereby cheerfully accepts whatever torments are coming to him in Hell.)
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posted by Cosa Nostradamus @ 1/25/2005 11:56:00 PM
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