A FIELD GUIDE TO THE REPUBLICANS

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OR, HOW TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB

WHEREIN WE ATTEMPT TO PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF THAT WHICH CONSERVATIVES ARE PLEASED TO CALL THEIR MINDS

Carry This With You Whenever You Go To A Public Toilet At The Airport

Here are a few clues for translating current Republicans and Republicanisms into terms that a human being may understand. Please do not contemplate this list for more than ten minutes at a time, as severe hemmorhoids may ensue.

1. AYN RAND: Well, they have to jerk off to something.

2. RONALD REAGAN: Not the monkey. The other one.

3. NEWT GINGRICH: His first wife's tombstone says, "I'd rather be here than in bed with Newtie."

4. RUSH LIMBAUGH: Everything you ever wanted to know about flatulence.

5. GEORGE "DUBYA" BUSH: This year's winner of our annual "Free Trip To The Hague Contest." Dubya? Dubya? Where'd he go?

6. DICK ARMEY: Make up your mind: You want dick or you want army?

7. GLENN BECK: The poster boy for psychiatric bloat.

8. MICHELLE BACHMAN: Turn'er overdrive, boys!

9. BILL FRIST: Rhymes with fist. Make your own joke.

10. JOHN BOEHNER: See Number 9.

11. SARAH PALIN: The official Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse! Collect 'em all!

12. ANTONIN SCALIA: Once rejected by La Cosa Nostra as insufficiently humane.

13. LOU DOBBS: How is it possible for one man to be wrong so many times?

14. BOBBY JINDAL: On the other hand, maybe Dobbs has a point...

15. ANN COULTER: Recently married her douche bag. Hey, no one else asked.

16. COLIN POWELL: Remember that chicken who voted for Colonel Sanders?

17. BRUCE WILLIS: At last, someone who can shame even New Jersey.

18. BILL O'REILLY: Yo, Bill, yer Mom called: She wants her protoplasm back.

19. RANDALL TERRY: Ironically, he's the best argument ever for abortion. Just ask his mother.

20. MICHAEL STEELE: Doing a great job as GOP Chairman, despite the fact that his candidates keep turning their dogs loose on him.
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