A FIELD GUIDE TO THE REPUBLICANS
OR, HOW TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB
WHEREIN WE ATTEMPT TO PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF THAT WHICH CONSERVATIVES ARE PLEASED TO CALL THEIR MINDS
Carry This With You Whenever You Go To A Public Toilet At The Airport
Here are a few clues for translating current Republicans and Republicanisms into terms that a human being may understand. Please do not contemplate this list for more than ten minutes at a time, as severe hemmorhoids may ensue.
1. AYN RAND: Well, they have to jerk off to something.
2. RONALD REAGAN: Not the monkey. The other one.
3. NEWT GINGRICH: His first wife's tombstone says, "I'd rather be here than in bed with Newtie."
4. RUSH LIMBAUGH: Everything you ever wanted to know about flatulence.
5. GEORGE "DUBYA" BUSH: This year's winner of our annual "Free Trip To The Hague Contest." Dubya? Dubya? Where'd he go?
6. DICK ARMEY: Make up your mind: You want dick or you want army?
7. GLENN BECK: The poster boy for psychiatric bloat.
8. MICHELLE BACHMAN: Turn'er overdrive, boys!
9. BILL FRIST: Rhymes with fist. Make your own joke.
10. JOHN BOEHNER: See Number 9.
11. SARAH PALIN: The official Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse! Collect 'em all!
12. ANTONIN SCALIA: Once rejected by La Cosa Nostra as insufficiently humane.
13. LOU DOBBS: How is it possible for one man to be wrong so many times?
14. BOBBY JINDAL: On the other hand, maybe Dobbs has a point...
15. ANN COULTER: Recently married her douche bag. Hey, no one else asked.
16. COLIN POWELL: Remember that chicken who voted for Colonel Sanders?
17. BRUCE WILLIS: At last, someone who can shame even New Jersey.
18. BILL O'REILLY: Yo, Bill, yer Mom called: She wants her protoplasm back.
19. RANDALL TERRY: Ironically, he's the best argument ever for abortion. Just ask his mother.
20. MICHAEL STEELE: Doing a great job as GOP Chairman, despite the fact that his candidates keep turning their dogs loose on him.
TO POST A COMMENT: CLICK ON "COMMENTS," "Post a Comment" or "# of COMMENTS" just below the SOCIAL BOOKMARKING LINKS (Digg, Delicious, etc), about three inches down from here. Please do comment. Thank you.
IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM YOUR BLOGGERS:
Suggestion Box & Tip Jar We would like to make over this blog to make it easier to access, to read and to comment on. We would also like to serve our readers better by providing more of what you need and want to see. All serious suggestions will be considered. We hope to move to our own domain in the near future, and we would like to ask for your financial assistance in doing that, and in upgrading our hardware & software. Small one-time donations and larger long-term subscriptions are welcome. Exclusive advertising is also available. If you think we are wasting our time in doing all this, please let us know. If you wish to help us, now is the time. As always, negative bullsh*t from right-wing trolls will be sh*tcanned. Thank you to everyone else. Please send feedback & PayPal contributions to cosanostradamusATexciteDOTcom. Thanks.
SUPPORT OUR TROOPS: BRING THEM ALL HOME ALIVE, NOW!