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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

THE TWELVE JOKES OF CHRISTMAS


CLEAN, DIRTY, SUPRISINGLY FEW GOOD ONES


You Be The Judge:


1. Why doesn't Santa have any children ?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.


2. How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?

They both have ornamental balls.


3. The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.

Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than 'Shmuel'!"


4. There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods
searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with
hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

5. Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St.
Peter. St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each present something that symbolizes Christmas."
The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two
lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.
"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.

"They're candles!" says the first man.

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter replies.

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a
couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.
"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.

"They're bells," as he jingles them.

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets,
finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.
Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"

"They're Carol's!"


6. There was this little boy riding his brand new red bike down the street and a cop on a horse stops him and asks, "Did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?"
The boy replyed with a big smile on his face, "Yes, sir!" and the cop writes the boy a ticket and says, "Next year tell him to put a reflector on the back."
The boy looked at the cop and asked, "Did Santa bring you that horse for Christmas?"
"Why yes he did" replied the cop, so the boy points at the horse and says, "Next year tell him to put the dick on the bottom."


7. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.


8. In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"


9. I was so poor, that if I didn't wake up with a boner on Christmas morning, I'd have had nothing to play with.


10. What's brown and creeps around the house on Christmas Eve?

Mince spies!


11. The 3 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.

He doesn`t believe in Santa Claus.

He is Santa Claus.


12. Hanukah Songs That Never Quite Caught On

* Oy to the World

* Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland

* Hava Nagilah - The Megamix

* Bubbie Got Run Over by a Reindeer

* Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already...Jeez!

* Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)

* I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)

* Come on Baby, Light My Menorah

* Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzoh

* Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky








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WHAT THE FUCK IS A "LIBERTARIAN"???


AN UNDERAGE REPUBLICAN?

Or Some Old Right-Wing Hypocrit Who Smokes Pot?

I came across a weird British blog some damn how. It was full of racist diatribes from English and American white trash, claiming to be "Libertarians." They exhibited the usual conservative confusion of traits: Love of Authority, hatred of Government. Support for the military & police, refusal to enlist in the military, and resistance to paying their fair share of taxes to support them. Insistence that they be heard, refusal to hear anyone else. Crowing over dubious electoral victories, even as they claim they themselves are a powerless minority. And, of course, lots of barely disguised racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia; all dressed up in the attitude that (relatively) affluent "Christian"/ conservative/ straight- white males are a wronged minority. Real wack-jobs.

Is it no longer kewl among young white dudes (it's almost all males) to admit to being Republican, in the U.S.; or Conservative, in England? That's cool. But not if they're simply hiding out in this "Libertarian" drag. I understand the notion of libertarianism. I don't think most of them do.

In practice, it always seems to boil down to the same old Republican/ Conservative horseshit, with a soupcon of "Let's legalize- marijuana," prostitution, or some other vice; which they deny at election time. If you press them on their attitudes, philosophy or voting habits, they react like typical Right-wingers: As a group, they ignore the substance of your arguments and attack you personally: Questioning your manhood/ femininity, patriotism/ nationality, that sort of nonsense.

I can't imagine what makes them think they're some new breed of political animal. In those few places where an official Libertarian Party exists, they garner virtually no votes. If they're taking away votes from the Repukes, fine. But it doesn't amount to much. A young Nazi's rebellion, or an old one's cry for pot & pussy. That's about it. Hilarious, and sad. "Libertarians!" Hah!




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