THE TWELVE JOKES OF CHRISTMAS
CLEAN, DIRTY, SUPRISINGLY FEW GOOD ONES
You Be The Judge:
1. Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
2. How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.
3. The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than 'Shmuel'!"
4. There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
5. Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St. Peter. St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each present something that symbolizes Christmas."
The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.
"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.
"They're candles!" says the first man.
"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter replies.
The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.
"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.
"They're bells," as he jingles them.
"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates!"
The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.
Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"
6. There was this little boy riding his brand new red bike down the street and a cop on a horse stops him and asks, "Did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?"
The boy replyed with a big smile on his face, "Yes, sir!" and the cop writes the boy a ticket and says, "Next year tell him to put a reflector on the back."
The boy looked at the cop and asked, "Did Santa bring you that horse for Christmas?"
"Why yes he did" replied the cop, so the boy points at the horse and says, "Next year tell him to put the dick on the bottom."
7. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
8. In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
9. I was so poor, that if I didn't wake up with a boner on Christmas morning, I'd have had nothing to play with.
10. What's brown and creeps around the house on Christmas Eve?
11. The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn`t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
12. Hanukah Songs That Never Quite Caught On
* Oy to the World
* Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
* Hava Nagilah - The Megamix
* Bubbie Got Run Over by a Reindeer
* Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already...Jeez!
* Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
* I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
* Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
* Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzoh
* Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky
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