ISLAM AT THE GATES

OK, so it's just Cat Stevens. But, hey, we need some good news for a change. We being Bush. So the word went out: "Stop somebody Muslim! ANYBODY!!! --Uh, somebody famous would be good . . ."

Cuz ALL the so-called terror suspects have turned out to be innocent, or unchargeable. Or something. And here comes a guy called Islam. GOTCHA!

Whew! Great headlines, Dubya! Bad timing, Cat. (That'll teach ya to change yer name. And your religion. In America.)

So, wait, how did Elvis Costello get in here, Homeland Security? AGAIN!!! (He was on TV the other night. AMERICAN TV!!!)

And what is so funny about peace, love and understanding? Ya little grungey Limey bastard!

Cat Put Out

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NEWS FROM TV WORLD: "Lost"

LOST. Hm. So. Finally, somebody filmed a show in or about Hawaii that might be worth watching. It's shot in Hawaii, but it's not supposed to be about Hawaii. Good move. And no cops or P.I.'s. Another good move. Also, no quaint "Locals," real or otherwise. So, not so scary.

This part was scary, though: A plane breaks apart at thirty thousand feet, falls to earth and crashes in pieces, which then keep blowing up. Not much hope for the forty-eight survivors: Not only are they a thousand miles off their flight path, lost in mid-Pacific, and out of radio range: They're mostly weird, fat, crippled, pregnant, crazy, injured, stupid, or just plain ugly. No need to vote them off the island. They ain't gonna make it. Cuz there's a big scary monster on the island too, and it already ate the pilot.

Luckily, there's a studly young doctor among the survivors, and a couple of hot chicks. So, tune in next week to see who gets eaten, and who gets blown. Off the island. I mean.

Oh, and "THE MOUNTAIN"? Turns out it can act. But, just in comparison to the actual leads. It snows really well. Very convincing. Nice to see that kind of committment in a geographic feature. Two thumbs up. For the actual mountain. Not the show. Which is another overblown soap. (Bubble.(POP!))

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