BAD NEWS, BAD NEWS

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WHICH DO YOU WANT FIRST?

GOT THE BLUES? DON'T TURN ON THE NEWS!

The World Is Going To Hell In A Media Handbasket, Woven Out Of Our Own Eyeballs

There really is a lot of good news out there. OK, fair news. OK, news that doesn't TOTALLY make you want to kill yourself. Immediately. I, I just can't think of any right now.

Let's see. CNN has dead or missing and presumed dead babies, 24/7/52. MSNBC has cops, criminals, jailers and prisoners all day, ever day. Fox has the Fascist apocalypse in living white, continuously, right up until they can actually make it happen. Fingers crossed. The broadcast 'Nets struggle to keep up with all that in just a few half hours each day. But they manage.

All this fear and hate and anger and envy and gluttony and Britney and paranoia have little to do with our own lives, out here in Reality. So why do we watch it? I dunno, why do people slow down for a good long look at a, hopefully, horrible accident, after being stuck in the goddam traffic such rubbernecking causes for an hour? Why do dogs return to their vomit? Because it's free?

Tee-Vee isn't free, folks. Everything you buy, rent, watch, listen to, eat, drink, p*ss or sh*t has advertising built into it. Look before you flush next time. There's a little bit of Bill O'Reilly in all of us. Try a high colonic. And quit buying stuff "As Seen On TV"! Quit watching that swirling bowl of cancerous crap. Just QUIT it. We'll be here if you need us. Later. Our stories are on right now. Jesse's going to marry Rene, but he doesn't know she's a guy. It's OK, though, because he's a girl! But Rene doesn't know that. Can't wait for the climactic scene. Gawd I love me some porn! As long as you're up, make some popcorn!



GOOGLE NEWS
"Elderly gunman kills guard at Holocaust Museum"
They had to let this genocidal maniac out of prison to make room for potheads.

' Von Brunn has a racist, anti-Semitic Web site and wrote a book titled "Kill the Best Gentiles," alleging a Jewish "conspiracy to destroy the white gene pool." In 1983, he was convicted of attempting to kidnap members of the Federal Reserve Board and served more than six years in prison. He was arrested two years earlier outside the room where the board was meeting, carrying a revolver, knife and sawed-off shotgun. At the time, police said von Brunn wanted to take the members hostage because of high interest rates and the nation's economic difficulties. Writings attributed to von Brunn on the Internet say the Holocaust was a hoax and decry a Jewish conspiracy to "destroy the white gene pool." "At Auschwitz the 'Holocaust' myth became Reality, and Germany, cultural gem of the West, became a pariah among world nations," it says. '

AFP
"Earth-Venus smash-up possible in 3.5 billion years: study"
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! Oh, wait, 3.5 BILLION years. I thought they said 3.5 MILLION years. I guess you can walk.

' "Mercury is the trigger, and would be be the first planet to be destabilised because it has the smallest mass," explained Laskar. At some point Mercury's orbit would get into resonance with that of Jupiter, throwing the smaller orb even more out of kilter, he said. Once this happens, the so-called "angular momentum" from the much larger Jupiter would wreak havoc on the other inner planets' orbits too. "The simulations indicate that Mercury, in spite of its diminutive size, poses the greatest risk to our present order," noted University of California scientists Gregory Laughlin in a commentary, also published in Nature. '

REUTERS
"Airbus denies planning to ground A330/340 fleet"
"We're sorry for the loss of your husband on AF447, Ma'am. But we did manage to save a quarter on the part that brought the plane down. So, it's win-win, really."

' French crash investigators have said the Air France jetliner sent out 24 error messages including one suggesting that its speed sensors, known as pitot tubes, were giving inconsistent readings. But they have stressed it is too early to say whether this was linked to the cause of the crash. The sensors on the Air France plane were built by Thales which has declined to comment pending investigations. According to Airbus, the Thales sensors are an optional alternative to the sensors in the basic design of the A330, which are made by Goodrich of the United States. They are among many components on an aircraft for which airlines can choose between alternative suppliers. '

LIVE SCIENCE
"Air Writing: Next Big Thing in Cell Phones?"
I've been doing this for years. That was me next to you on the bus. Oh, no; that day I was conducting the Berliner Philharmoniker. In the air. In my head. In the air. In my head. What's the diff?

' Forget fumbling with tiny cell phone keys. A prototype of a new application allows cell phone users to write short notes in the air and send them automatically to an e-mail address. This represents just one possible step toward allowing people to naturally merge the real world with the information power of the Internet. Travelers and other mobile users could air-write notes to themselves rather than have to text on the run. "By holding the phone like a pen, you can write short messages or draw simple diagrams in the air," said Sandip Agrawal, an electrical and computer engineering student at Duke University in North Carolina. Future versions of this PhonePoint Pen app may even allow users to take a photo with their phone and write a quick note on it. Such interactivity has also emerged in the work of other research groups, such as MIT's Sixth Sense project, and may signal the new era of cyborg technologies. Applications that can piggyback on existing cell phone technology may also get an advantage. "We're trying to get past the whole idea of typing on a keyboard or using a stylus to enter information into devices," said Romit Roy Choudhury, an electrical and computer engineer at Duke who acted as Agrawal's mentor. '

US NEWS & WORLD REPORT
"Best Places to Live 2009"
Perfect! If you're looking for a place with the intellectual and cultural resources of a trailer park.

' In selecting our Best Places to Live for 2009, U.S. News took a thrift-conscious approach: We looked for affordable communities that have strong economies and plenty of fun things to do. The cities we selected are as distinct as America itself--ranging from a quaint suburb to a live-music mecca. But whether you prefer hiking through the Rocky Mountains, pulling a fish out of the Atlantic Ocean, or grilling hot dogs at a college football tailgate, here are 10 places that will fill up your daybook without emptying your wallet. '

YAHOO NEWS
"NY store owner gives would-be thief $40 and bread"
Those MUSLIMS, hanh?! They're not like US!

' Sohail, who moved to the United States from Pakistan about 20 years ago, said he was getting ready to close his store shortly after midnight on May 21 when the man in his 40s entered with a bat in his hand. Sohail said he tried to stall for a moment and then grabbed a rifle he keeps behind the counter and ordered the assailant to drop the bat. The would-be thief dropped to his knees and begged for forgiveness, Sohail said. "He started crying that he was out of work and was trying to feed his hungry family," he said. "I felt bad for him. I mean, this wasn't some kid." He said he tossed $40 to the man, who then stood up and told Sohail he was inspired by the act of mercy and wanted to become a fellow Muslim. Sohail said he led the man in a profession of Muslim faith and the two ended up shaking hands. Sohail said he went to the back of the store to get some milk to give to the man, but when he returned the man had fled. He said he called police and reported the attempted robbery, but he doesn't want to press charges if the man is ever caught. Sohail, who said he had never been the victim of a robbery attempt, said he didn't expect any accolades for what he had done. "I'm a very little man. I just did a good job," said the married father of one. "I have a good feeling in my heart. I feel very good." '

AFP
"Blonde therapy lifts spirits in crisis-hit Latvia"
You can never be too blonde or too stupid.

' Several hundred blondes marched through the Latvian capital Riga Sunday in a bid cheer up the crisis-hit Baltic nation, suffering the worst recession in the 27-member EU. Led by an orchestra, the first-ever blond parade featured women dressed in pink and white, some accompanied by lapdogs, in a charity fund-raising event that organisers hope will become an annual event. "I'm not stupid. I'm beautiful and I'll prove it," blonde participant high school student Ilona Zigure told AFP. Following the parade, blondes climbed into open-topped cars and drove to the local shopping centre to go shopping. '

YAHOO NEWS
"Oklahoma City police probe Alba link to vandalism"
JESSICA! You get down off that shark this INSTANT!!!

' Jessica Alba ... a vandal? Photos have surfaced that appear to show her defacing Oklahoma City property with posters of a great white shark, and police are investigating. Photos that apparently show Alba gluing posters and posing before the defaced billboard were posted to the site of blogger White Mike, but later removed. According to the site, the posters are designed to raise awareness of the dwindling population of great white sharks. A statement posted to the site Wednesday read: "International pressure is the only way to do it and that starts in Oklahoma, the heartland of America." '

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY
"Carrie Prejean fires back after losing Miss California crown"
"They" being the International Communistic Terroristical Islamo-Homo-Techno-Sexual Alien Bankers in Area 51.

' Prejean, who was fired by Trump for failing to get clearance for extracurricular activities, claims in response that pageant head Keith Lewis actually encouraged her to pose for Playboy magazine and appear in the reality series "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" "What's behind this, I think, is a political debate. They don't agree with the stance that I took [on California's Proposition 8].... From day one they wanted me out, and they got what they wanted." '

NY DAILY NEWS
"Sarah Palin attacks David Letterman over 'sexually-perverted' joke"
It's OK to knock up her daughters. You just can't TALK about it: Conservatardism in a NUT shell!

' The CBS funnyman joked Monday of Palin's recent New York visit that "during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." But Letterman insisted on his show Wednesday night that he was referring to 18-year-old Bristol Palin, who recently gave birth to a son after roiling the presidential campaign with the revelation she was pregnant. The unwed Bristol has since become a high profile advocate for abstinence. '

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