REALITY BITES

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TV SHOW DROPS A HOUSE ON KALIHI VALLEY

XXXTREME TRAFFIC JAMS FROM THE DUI GUY


Those of us who live in the real world, I mean, in a normal workaday way on the actual planet Earth, not some hokey low-budget semi-unscripted twaddle-fest on the boob tube, rarely encounter those who subsist in the Second Dimension. However, of late, there have been some breaches between the dimensions, and some really flat shit has leaked out.

Some made-up girl named after a hotel in France got arrested for not being real, or not being able to prove she was real, via a drivers license, the 3-D passport. So they sent this Toon-like bi-dimensional character to real jail, and, of course, she couldn't handle it. She slipped between the bars by going all sideways, but they caught her by the tail and snapped her narrow ass back into the pokey.

Contrariwise, a sadly real sort of character slipped into the 2nd Dimension, and managed to stay there all bumpy and lumpy by dint of votes from his three-dee buddies, even though the cartoon was a singing contest, and he couldn't sing. So the inter-dimensional blow-hole blows both ways. Apparently.

Still, one doesn't expect it to blow right up one's own personal keister. But so it did, one fine morning in Kalihi Valley. I was going to pick up my friend from the back of the Valley, when I was stopped by a whole bunch of cops, some real and some renta, and forced off the road. They had to make way for a house that was just passing through. I sat in my car in a hole between TV trucks, watching an army of uniformed workers denude a grassy knoll. Then the house began to roll in, wall by wall.

It took three big huge incredible trucks half an hour to deliver the house, as we sat trapped in our cars, a whole line of us by now. Dunno why they couldn't'a just let us go through first. Apparently, the Second Dimension takes precedence over the Third. I guess the First trumps all. If you get the Point...

This sorta thing went on for two weeks, 24/7. The end result was a big honkin' house where grass used to be. I expect when I blink it will be gone again. Instant house. Just add water. Drink me. Alice, I think we're not in humuhumunu- kunukuapuaa-land any more. I think we're in a fucking cartoon! Heh-heh-heh-EH-heh!

So, if the drunk-driver guy with the bad hair life ever shows up with a house at your house, tell him to make-over his own extreme ass. Before he takes over your whole neighborhood, shuts down all the roads, suborns the local cops, and puts up million-watt lamps all over the place to eliminate all hope of sleeping for at least two weeks, even if he says it's for a good cause. Cause ratings don't count, out here in reality. Real life does. Just let us get on with it, already.

Next time you wanna do something for the community, how 'bout you ASK the community, hm, drunkie? Or, at least, WARN us! There's only one way in and out of the Valley at that point, and you blocked it 24/7 for two weeks for a stupid TV show! No regard for the sick, the elderly, the poor people who have to be at work at all hours, the kids who had to be at school. And what if there had been a fire, or some other emergency? Do you care?

Also, you left the place a mess. The landscaping was just abandoned when the cameras left. The house was built on a hill that sits above a flood-spot. Now that the grasses are gone, and most of the hill, the flooding will be that much worse. Do you care?

Just don't come on TV in September with this episode, pretending to care about the community. Because you don't.
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FUN HOUSE

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EVERYTHING IS SO FUN NOW!

Why Are We Not Having Fun, Yet?



I saw a car commercial today that said "at last, fuel-efficient vehicles that are fun to drive," or words to that effect. So, I guess now all the douche-bags who think operating a 1-ton+ hunk of metal at speeds of up to two miles per minute as if they, and all the rest of us, were characters in a video game, will now be driving Prius'. Or, the XXXXXXXXXXTREME!!!!!!!!!! edition Prius. I mean, now that it's fun.

On the other hand, now there might actually be hope for a greener world, if we can just make it entertaining. Everything is entertainment, now. Everything that succeeds, anyway. Everything people actually engage in: Fun food (obesity), fun news (Fox), fun deoderant body spray (B.O). Now, if we could only make politics fun. Or self-empowerment. Taking control of your own life, your own world. Has to be REAL fun, though. Like, 64-ounce anti-freeze green Slurpee fun.

No matter how awful something is, just make it fun. This may be the secret of the awful Republicans' success: For years, they have been running real fun clowns for office, like "Bedtime For Bonzo"'s Ronnie Raygun. Or Connecticut royalty's own retarded cuzzin from Texas, Dubya. He would be the "Please pass the jelly," guy at his snooty relatives' breakfast table. So fun. Let's elect HIM president. Not the snooty relative: Humphrey, McGovern, Carter, Mondale, Dukakis, Gore or Kerry.

No matter how ridiculous and bad for the country they might be, the media, of course, are primed to treat these clownish candidates in a respectful but snooty fashion. This ensures that they will win. You can't openly mock them or rip their bullshit to shreds. No one would listen. No fun. If the no-fun media mafia don't like them, these clowns must be kewl. Even EXXXXXXXTREMELY kewl!!!!! Let's vote for THEM!!!!!!

You can't possibly take funny clowns seriously, the way you do intelligent, responsible candidates who might actually be good for the country. But the smart-guys, them you can rip to shreds if they ever act clownishly, because they're not supposed to be fun: Jimmy Carter and the rabbit, Gary Hart and the bimbo, Al Gore and the Internet, John Kerry and the windsurfing, and Howard Dean and the "EYAHHH!" Dubya could have done all of that and more, and still gotten elected. Because that's what we expected of him. He never disappoints. But all those smart-guys, they're just bound to disappoint. It just shows ta go ya, you may never be quite smart enough; but you can always be stupid enough.

Hey, stupid may not get you promoted, unless the Big Bosses are behind you. But smart can get you fired. Especially if the media are hanging on your every word. Unless you show the courage, strength and stubborn consistency of a goddamned fool, which is what we admire in a Raygun or a Dubya. Let's face it, in an unreasonable world, reasonable people always lose. Reasonable people always have to give in, because, by character definition, unreasonable people never give in. So fun!

Men love dumb guys. We know we can trust them. They're too stupid to screw us, right? Women claim otherwise, but many of them vote the same way. It makes them uncomfortable to think a guy might be smart enough to get over on them, or too smart to manipulate. And they know that, in this caveman world, a big dumb guy who always shoots first and asks questions later is a better protector and provider. No woman wants a weenie who tries to talk the big dumb guys out of robbing, raping or killing her or her babies. Ugh-ugh. UGH UGH!!!

So, unless the next annointed Democrat actually is a real fun dumb guy, he'd better be able to act like one: Never be serious, never discuss issues, always play the amiable fool, and never back down: Shoot first and ask questions later. We don't want a winking, blinking wise old owl on guard duty. We want a trigger-happy cop. Because that's what we look for in a Commander-In-Chief, these days.

That's why we vote for Ventura's and Schwartzenegger's. That's why we will vote against Hillary and Obama. They're too smart. They're no fun. We need another Bubba: A guy the media can't take seriously, and rip to shreds. A big dumb guy who loves Big Mac's and big tits and don't fuckin' keer who knows it, yawl! A guy who'll deny everything with a smile, and go right on ahead with his bullshit, no matter what those snooty relatives in the media say. Cuz they're no fun, anyhoo.

If they want to win, for a change, the successful slogan for the next Democratic President, summing up all his positions on all the issues had better be, without apologies: "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So fun!
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