Tuesday, October 12, 2004

BEATING YOUR BISHOP

That's a euphemism for spanking your monkey, polishing your knob, voting for bush, or just jerking off. But it needs to be done, for real, now more than ever.

OK, ya done?

Now, it's time to REALLY beat your Bishop! A bunch of ultra-right-wing child-molesters has taken over the "One Holy Apostolic and Catholic Church" in America, and they favour anti-Catholic George W. Bush over devout Catholic John F. Kerry. They plan to use their pulpits as soap-boxes, threatening parishioners with hellfire and damnation if they don't vote for coke-sniffing mass-murderer Dubya.

Why are they doing this, you may well ask? Ostensibly: Abortion. Stem-cell research. The "right to life," which, apparently, begins at conception and ends at birth, according to these Princes of the Church. They don't seem to mind Bush's support of "gun-rights" over victims' rights, the death penalty even in juvenile cases, and the unprovoked war in Iraq. But boy, the idea of a woman deciding for herself what to do with her own tissue, that gets them REALLY mad! Call it severe acute ecclesiastical womb envy syndrome, or SAEWES. (Not totally sure how to pronounce that. Maybe SACHWE, severe acute CATHOLIC HIERARCHICAL womb envy?)

It's time to cut these Nazi's loose. The Archdiocese of Boston, and others across the U.S., have suffered financially from the priest-child-abuse scandals. They should now be completely cut off from all parishioner dollars, for meddling in politics. They should also lose their tax-exempt status, which would bring in billions of local property-tax revenues now being denied to ailing cites nationwide. Catholics have long ignored the rulers of the Church, and their increasingly out-of-it pronouncements. Now's the time to boot these bastards right out of their own pews, and take control of the churches, and the Church itself, in the name of the real Church, its' people.

Where's Sinead O'Connor now that we really need her?

BTW, I'm Catholic. But circumcized. And I like long walks on the beach, sunsets, and (unconsecrated) wine that comes in boxes. Oh, and puppies, too. (Chicks dig puppies, right? Or is it kitties?) And kitties.

"Group of Bishops Using Influence to Oppose Kerry"

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PLAIN VANILLA

Do you like vanilla? I like vanilla. At least, I thought I did. Now I'm not so sure. It seems the big vanilla boys, like Coke and Nestle and Breyers/Dreyers have switched to artificial vanilla flavourings, like "vanillin," whatever that is. (It's wood pulp.)

Know why? There was this major cyclone in Madagascar a few years ago, and it wiped out all the vanilla trees. (No word on the mocha bushes.) The price of vanilla beans jumped up like, two thousand percent, and the big boys quit buying it.

Worse, now that they've switched, they're unlikely to switch back. So, if you like vanilla, real vanilla, you're out of luck. On the bright side, this could remove the stigma of "plain vanilla," and even make white people seem exotic and well, KEWL! (Rapper Vanilla Ice will always be a butthole, though. Sorry, dude.)

BTW, vanilla, like chocolate, originally came from Central America. THANK YOU, Columbus! It was almost worth all the destruction and subjugation! Mmmm, yum-yum!

"INTERVIEW: Companies Abandon Vanilla"

"Fast Facts on Vanilla"

"Lignin and Vanillin on the Shroud of Turin, a Clue to Age"

"vanillaice.com"

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Suggestion Box & Tip Jar We would like to make over this blog to make it easier to access, to read and to comment on. We would also like to serve our readers better by providing more of what you need and want to see. All serious suggestions will be considered. We hope to move to our own domain in the near future, and we would like to ask for your financial assistance in doing that, and in upgrading our hardware & software. Small one-time donations and larger long-term subscriptions are welcome. Exclusive advertising is also available. If you think we are wasting our time in doing all this, please let us know. If you wish to help us, now is the time. As always, negative bullsh*t from right-wing trolls will be sh*tcanned. Thank you to everyone else. Please send feedback & PayPal contributions to cosanostradamusATexciteDOTcom. Thanks.