PROGNOSTICATIONS FOR THE MULTITUDES
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We Will Now Reveal To You Tomorrow's Headlines Today. And The Comics.
1. Both Google and Microsoft will fail to survive the next major economic downturn. The new force in computing is now called Hang-Seng Silicon Noodles, Kowloon, China.
2. Madonna will adopt Angelina Jolie. But not Brad Pitt, breaking up the set.
3. Conan O'Brien will divorce his wife and marry David Letterman in a secret ceremony in Provincetown, Mass. His ratings will still suck.
4. Nancy Pelosi will reveal that former House Speaker Newt Gingrich regularly used botox during his tenure. On his dick.
5. Barack Obama will appear at an Alabama town hall meeting wearing a Nazi SS uniform, and promise to round up and gas only liberals if Republicans vote for his healthcare holocaust. Republicans are tempted, but still won't vote for it, despite their natural attraction to holocausts, in which they claim not to believe.
6. Glenn Beck will be found to be an actual escaped mental patient with delusions of cable grandeur. Rupert Murdoch will give him a raise.
7. The New York Times and the Washington Post will merge and then quietly go out of business, cursing this new-fangled blogging thing.
8. Kathy Griffin will be found in Margot Kidder's back yard, doing something completely sane. Police will tase her, causing her to make the "C" list. (I told you it would work, Kathy.)
9. Silvio Berlusconi will fly around Florence's Old Bridge in Leonardo DaVinci's aerial screw on Assumption Day. It sounds better in Italian.
10. One of the surviving Beatles will die. Eventually.
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