MISSING LINK FOUND ON SPANISH COAST

HUMANS MAY HAVE EVOLVED FROM BEACH-MONKEYS

Christians Deny Ever Having Been Near Ocean

Remains found by English tourists whilst digging sand for a castle on the beach at Caldetes have proved to be those of an ancient ape. Initally, they were thought to be bones of a missing cabana-boy. No tips were found by the body, and suspicions gave way to scientific curiosity.

The remains turned out to be those of a great ape some thirteen million years old. The ape had both simian characteristics, such as fossilized banana-peelings under his fingernails, and anthropoid traits, including keys, sunscreen, and a beach towel. No clothing was found, leading to speculation that this might, in fact, be the legendary naked ape, or homo nudisto. (Spanish tourism authorities insisted that the gay clothing-optional beach was several miles down the road.)

Paleontologists were quick to deny that this find can yet be said to actually represent a missing link between apes and humans. But a man on the scene who had recently stayed in a Holiday Inn asserted that, yes, this was our direct connection to monkeydom. He was subsequently mobbed at the Barcelona airport by Christian pilgrims to the shrine of the Taco Bell dog, from Plano, Texas, and torn limb from limb. Liberal Spaniards immediately set up a shrine to him.

Services for the victim will be held at the Barcelona Airport Holiday Inn. Services for the ape are awaiting notification of his relatives, many of whom are believed to be extinct. The rampaging pilgrims have been pardoned by the Pope, and sent off for two weeks to Opryland.

Fossils Found in Spain Seen as Last Link to Great Apes

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AMERICA: STILL HUNGRY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

FORTY YEARS AFTER THE WAR ON POVERTY BEGAN

HUNGER: Even In Our Financial & Cultural Capitol

I don't know why, but this shocked me. Of course, there have always been poor people in New York City. Lots of them. The Statue of Liberty (closed due to terrorism) still says, "Give me your tired, your poor..." But who knew they were taking it literally? Not to mention the ones who are already here?

OK, poor is poor. But what about food-stamps, EBTs, WIC, commodity foods, food banks? People are HUNGRY in New York? LOTS of people:

"The study found 31 percent of city residents are “at risk for hunger,” finding it somewhat or very difficult to afford the food they need for their families – that’s up from 25 percent a year ago.

In homes with children, the numbers are even more alarming. Forty-one percent of families with children found it hard to afford food – rising from 32 percent last year."

Forty-one percent of families with children. Gulp. How many street dogs have I woofed down in front of hungry kids, without knowing it? I never thought to ask of the passing crowds, hey, anybody hungry? Jeez, I feel like a PIG, now! You don't eat in front of hungry people, without offering them something. Right? It ain't CHRISTIAN! It ain't even human.

So, while you're barreling along in your $40,000 SUV, sucking up a gallon of $2.50 gas every five or ten minutes on the freeway, think. Two fifty, that's a couple of packages of those cheap hot dogs. Or a big jar of peanut butter. Boy, I bet hungry kids DREAM of peanut butter, sometimes. Hunh, compassionate conservatives? Whaddya think?

Forty years since we declared war on poverty. Forty years since they discovered "Hunger in America." What the fuck have we been doing, for forty years, that we still can't properly feed all of our children? OK, so maybe their parents were losers. Are the sins of the fathers then visited upon the sons? Should these children never have been born? Should they have been aborted? Make up your mind, Christians. Do you want these post-borns, or not? Then FEED them!

You know, before you whip out your self-serving faith-based initiatives, and your phony thousand points of light, and your chintzy little welfare checks, think. Give 'em a fish? Or teach 'em to fish? Why are there no jobs for these people that pay enough to live on? Why don't they have the training and education to get better jobs? Why are we abandoning FORTY percent of our citizens? (COINCIDENTALLY, the same percentage who don't VOTE. Maybe they're too HUNGRY to vote!) Why are we ignorant of that fact? Why don't we seem to care, any more? Why, why, why?

Why don't I know, for sure, if those little kids across the street are hungry, or not? And, how can I eat until I'm sure they have eaten? How can you? How can anybody? I suppose this is the liberals fault, eh, neocons? But you control everything, now. What are you going to do about this? Hm?

Wait. What's that sound? Oh, it's nothing. Just a child's stomach, grumbling. In America. George Dubya Bush's own private, personal America.


More New Yorkers At Risk For Hunger, Survey Finds



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