THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING STUFF

Used to be, we had these things called standard weights & measures. You know, pounds, ounces, quarts, gallons, miles, yards, degrees Fahrenheit, all that stuff. The bullshit started with metrics. I've got no argument with the metric system, the Europeans, the French, yada-yada-yada. Well, except that it doesn't make any sense: Freezing is 0 in centigrade? So, what's 0 degrees Fahrenheit, in C? Whoa, -30F is freaking WHAT in centigrade? And boiling is 100? What happened to the OTHER 112 degrees? And there's no way to differentiate between a really perfect day, and one that's just a little too warm or cool: It's all 20-something. Bullshit!

Metrics does not fit ordinary human reality. The old system was based on the size of a grown man's hand, arm, stride and foot. Not so precise, but truly human-scale. Metrics, I mean, they've got centimeters, right, which are like, hundreths of a yard, OK? Then they've got meters, which are like yards. But there's no feet or inches. Who the fuck wants to measure everything in yards or fractions of an inch ONLY? And kilometers? I think I can THROW stuff more than a kilometer! Downhill, anywho. A mile is more or less farther than you can see clearly, right? Anyway, it's pretty far. But what the hell is a kilometer? Sure, its better for scientific measurements, and all that crap. But for real life, ya gotta have inches, feet and miles.

The worst thing, though is this liter shit. It's a total rip-off. They sell GAS by the freakin' QUART over there! And they charge FIVE bucks for it! There's no cups, pints or gallons. Just liters, centiliters and decaliters, I think. A liter is about a quart. So, either you're buying a HUNDRETH of a quart, or TEN quarts at a time. Sure, they can divide it all up into 375, 500, 750 ml, whatever that is. But who the hell KNOWS what that is? When I buy a bottle of booze, I like to KNOW what I'm getting. You know, so I can figure my dosage: Too little, still sober, too much, puke-arama. And in other items, now you're getting these weird measurements, like 241 milliliters, 329 milliliters, 468 milliliters, which don't even correspond with an even number of ounces. It's a scam.

Bottom line: They're charging you the same, but giving you less. Even when they use a legitimate English measurement, it's never a 16 ounce pint or pound, an 8 ounce cup or half-pound: No, it;'s FIFTEEN ounces, or TEN ounces, or SEVEN freaking ounces: Always LESS than it used to be, in roughly the same package. Yet, they say there's no inflation, cuz the price is the same! HELLO! Better not try that shit on your local drug dealer, there, Mr. Greenspan. Does anybody else notice this, or is it just me?

Even if it is just me, I WANT MY GODDAM POUNDS AND GALLONS BACK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

There, I feel better now. Think I'll go take a metric shit, and use a decimeter of TP. Go on back to what you were doing. Sorry. Just hadda get that off my chest. It was CONSTIPATING me.

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WHO SAYS YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO RICH?

Well, not the Arabs. Seems they tried to yank all their dough out of the US after 9/11, but there was no place to put it in Sandland. They built a lot of useless buildings, ordered a WHOLE bunch of stuff from Pita Hut, but they still had TRILLIONS of our gas-pump baksheesh. So, now, they're trying to set up their own world Islamic financial system.

There's a problem there, though: Muhammad (No Last Name) forbid the charging of interest, leaving the Arabs' finances in Jewish hands (no prohibition of usury), and, later, grimey Christian paws (we got over our scruples on unearned income around the end of the Middle Ages). The West, that's you & me, has benefitted from this repatriation of our oil dollars. But that may be coming to an end. We will continue to bleed money in their direction, but they won't be investing or banking it here anymore. A lot of it has gone to finance, and re-finance, our national debt. You know, the deficit? Remember the deficit? It's getting bigger every day, thanks to our invasion of Iraq. But if the Arabs pulled out ALL their cash . . . Talk about yer clash of civilizations.

These Islamic banks have already started doing business in Britain. They loan money without charging interest, even on mortgages. How? Actually, the bank buys the property you want, and then resells it to you at a profit, with convenient monthly payments, like rent. Seems like they're trying to flim-flam Allah, but that's their problem, right?

Our problem would be the attraction of no-interest loans, and the purchase of lots of Western real estate by Arab banks, possibly run, or advised by mullahs. How'dja like the Ayatollah to be YOUR landlord? The Fundamentalists (theirs, not ours) could take over America without firing a shot, lot by block. All they'd have to do is make some big contributions to the right politicians. --Nah, that could never happen! Unless its ALREADY happening! Watch for the news story, coming soon to a paper near you. Unless the Arabs already own it. Mua-ha-ha.

Oh, and they will be offering online banking; worldwide, eventually. Hear that, Osama?

9/11 boost to Islamic finance




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