BY SATURN!!!
DESTINATION: MOON
Let's Go Titan!
Take a gander at some NEW real estate, folks. I can get you in on the ground floor here: You could have the first house on the tippity-top of Titan's own airy Mt. Everest, or a series of huge compounds on a thousand miles of sunny, beachfront property, all to your self. You can have your choice of islands, a whole one or any portion thereof, maybe even a continent, if your credit is good enough. Start your own city, make your own rules, re-do our entire civilization according to your own lights. It's a whole new world! Hell, be a god! Hell, be the DEVIL!
Hell, at least the Teutonic/Scandinavian version of it, pretty much describes the surface of Titan right now: Dark as Hell, with 1/1500th of Earth's surface light; and cold as hell, at -290F. And the "airy" air is mostly methane, or cow-farts; more, "dairy-air." The seas are probably oil, or some chemical not normally seen in such vast quantities on the Earth's surface. Although, it's not all that unlike New Jersey. Just colder.
But you're a hearty pioneer, right? Dontcha wanna terraform something? One of Saturn's other moons could be lit up to provide more light and heat. The entire nuclear arsenal of the U.S. and Russia should do it. And, once the noxious liquids and gases boil off, I'm sure we'll find some nitrogen and oxygen and stuff, just waiting for you to breathe. Definitely stuff. Radioactive stuff, after we set off all those nukes right next door. (Aren't you glad we didn't let those hippies talk us into throwing that stuff away?) The nukes could move one of the other moons, say Phoebe, closer to Titan. Then we just wait for it to cool down and the rads to drop to say, Nevada levels, and presto-chango, a Brave New World.
Once we get all the real estate sewn up, we can start colonizing. By Natural Law, preference will be given to obnoxious guys with big money, and stupid girls with big boobs, just as here on Earth. We will also harvest smart genes and caring, civilized genes from Earth-bound volunteers, to be injected into the colonists, so they don't all just become extra-terrestrial Republicans, and return to Earth in space-going SUVs to hunt Terrans for food.
As a landowner, and founding shareholder of Titeco [NASDAQ SYMBOL: TIT], you'll be invited to the First Titanian Constitutional Convention, to be held in Las Vegas in 2005. At TITCON 05, We'll be rewriting all human norms and values, morals and mores, not the eels. Vegas just seemed like the place to do that. There is already some talk of throwing out many outmoded and oppressive constraints on human freedom and dignity, such as the prohibition of cannibalism, which, as a practical matter on a planet with no plants or animals, will be... necessary. And profitable.
Cajuns and Thais will probably be the first to be farmed. Everybody loves Cajun and Thai, right? Maybe a little Chinese? We can pack more of them, if they're little. The more the merrier, and more profitable. We can all expect to turn a quick and easy buck by helping Earth to export its' Third-World population problem. And yes, Louisiana IS the Third World. Ever been there? Anyway, Cajuns are bound to be softer and chewier, not to mention fatter and meatier, than Somali's and Bangladeshi's. Suitable only for stew. Or curry. Hey, curry is good! The glass is half FULL here, at Titeco.
We're also looking into the possibility of exporting "Titan's Own (tm) Primordial Slushies," in fact, we're in talks with 7-11 right now. Nobody knows whats in their slushies now, or where they came from. We just have to be competitive on price. And then there's "TITANIA: The Water Of Saturn's Moon" (tm), which we believe we can guarantee to have little more benzene content than some terrestrial yuppie-waters.
THIS IS NOT AN OFFERING:
Send For A Free Prospectus
Void where prohibited, i.e., anywhere on Earth.
Send For A Free Prospectus
Void where prohibited, i.e., anywhere on Earth.
"Close-Up Of Titan"
"Liquid 'suggested' on Titan"
Titan Photos Mystifying Scientists
Titan Stats
Titan Rich in Carbons That Gave Life to Earth --NASA
"Liquid 'suggested' on Titan"
Titan Photos Mystifying Scientists
Titan Stats
Titan Rich in Carbons That Gave Life to Earth --NASA
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posted by Cosa Nostradamus @ 10/29/2004 04:30:00 PM
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