NUDNIKS IN THE NEWS

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PEOPLE EVEN STUPIDER THAN ME & YOU

WELL, STUPIDER THAN YOU, ANYWAYS. HA-HAH-HAW-HAW!!!



You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up. Unless You're Being Paid.

YAHOO NEWS
"3 ships thwart attacks by pirates off Somalia"
AAAAAARRRGH!!!

' Pirates armed with rocket-propelled grenades attacked three vessels off Somalia's coast but failed to hijack them because of quick action by crew members, a maritime official said Monday. A Chinese cargo ship, a Singaporean liquefied gas carrier and a Thai bulk carrier managed to thwart the pirates in the Gulf of Aden by increasing speed and taking evasive maneuvers, said Noel Choong of the International Maritime Bureau. Somalia, which has had no functioning government since 1991, is the world's top piracy hotspot. The latest incidents bring to 44 the number of attacks off its coast this year. Most occurred in the Gulf of Aden, Choong said. '

AFP
"Elephant kicks heroin habit with China island rehab: reports"
Much worse than a monkey on your back.

' An elephant has kicked his heroin habit after a three-year stint on an island rehab in southern China, an official and state media said Thursday. The four-year-old Asian elephant, called Xiguang, has now being transported to a wildlife reserve in southwest China after being cured of his addiction with some clean living on Hainan island, Xinhua said. Xiguang became hooked on the narcotic after animal smugglers captured him and other elephants by luring them with bananas laced with heroin in 2005, the official news agency said. '

PC MAGAZINE
"Are the New Microsoft Ads About Kinky Sex?"
Jerry! Say it ain't so!

' Scenario: Two guys meet in a shoe store. The one guys offers a churro to the other—an obvious phallic symbol, possibly a code word. The guy refuses. So the guy with the churro starts to massage the other guy's foot, and asks about what he's feeling. The guy who relented at first says a definite code word: "leather." The two look furtively at each other for an uncomfortably long time. They scene is just short of a wink taking place. One mentions "showering" with clothes on. The next thing you know the twosome, now each holding rigid churros, walk off together. One asks the other to adjust his underwear as a "sign." '

REUTERS
"Australia grants Snoop Dogg visa, plus counseling"
Where was Homeland Security on this?

' Australia granted gangsta rapper Snoop Dogg a visa on Friday after public complaints over a planned tour in October, but said he would be required to undergo counseling before arriving Down Under. Snoop Dogg, whose real name is Cordozar Calvin Broadus Jr., was refused permission to even apply for a visa to enter Australia in 2007 because of his criminal record, sinking plans for him to co-host the MTV Australia Video Music Awards. Oscar-winning Australian actor Russell Crowe this week wrote a letter to immigration officials to support Snoop Dogg's visa application and 17-day "Smoked Out" tour. '

YAHOO NEWS
"Saudi: OK to kill owners of 'immoral' TV networks"
At last, something we can agree on! Let's start with Fuxsnooze!

' Saudi Arabia's top judiciary official has issued a religious decree saying it is permissible to kill the owners of satellite TV networks that broadcast immoral content. The 79-year-old Sheik Saleh al-Lihedan said Thursday that satellite channels cause the "deviance of thousands of people." '

CBS2 LA
"Engineer Apparently Sent Text Message Before Crash"
As I suspected: Texting Kills.

' Metrolink officials Saturday put the blame squarely on the engineer of the train for the deadly crash that has claimed at least 25 lives. They say he ran a red light. But one minute before the deadliest crash in Metrolink history, one teen -- Nick Williams -- said he received a text message on his cell phone from the engineer, whom the teens identified as Robert Sanchez. Williams' received text was brief, "Just two lines", reported KCAL 9 and CBS 2 reporter Kristine Lazar, exclusively. The text apparently told Williams and his friends where Sanchez would be meeting another passenger train. Federal investigators say they will seek the cell phone records of two teenagers and a train engineer as they probe whether text messages factored into a fiery commuter train crash. Kitty Higgins, a board member for the National Transportation Safety Board, says her agency is also talking with the two teens and their families. The teens said that they received a text message from the engineer at 4:22 p.m. Friday, just moments before the deadly crash. Higgins says that the engineer's cell phone was not recovered at the crash site Sunday. Denise Tyrell, a spokesperson for Metrolink commented on the report that Sanchez might have been texting immediately before the crash. She said, "I can't believe someone could be texting while driving a train." '

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