COSANOSTRADAMUS PREDICTS

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PROGNOSTICATIONS FOR THE MULTITUDES

HEEL, MULTITUDES! SIT! ROLL OVER! BEG! BEG FOR YOUR HEALTHCARE!!! MUAHAHA!!

We Will Now Reveal To You Tomorrow's Headlines Today. And The Comics.

1. Both Google and Microsoft will fail to survive the next major economic downturn. The new force in computing is now called Hang-Seng Silicon Noodles, Kowloon, China.

2. Madonna will adopt Angelina Jolie. But not Brad Pitt, breaking up the set.

3. Conan O'Brien will divorce his wife and marry David Letterman in a secret ceremony in Provincetown, Mass. His ratings will still suck.

4. Nancy Pelosi will reveal that former House Speaker Newt Gingrich regularly used botox during his tenure. On his dick.

5. Barack Obama will appear at an Alabama town hall meeting wearing a Nazi SS uniform, and promise to round up and gas only liberals if Republicans vote for his healthcare holocaust. Republicans are tempted, but still won't vote for it, despite their natural attraction to holocausts, in which they claim not to believe.

6. Glenn Beck will be found to be an actual escaped mental patient with delusions of cable grandeur. Rupert Murdoch will give him a raise.

7. The New York Times and the Washington Post will merge and then quietly go out of business, cursing this new-fangled blogging thing.

8. Kathy Griffin will be found in Margot Kidder's back yard, doing something completely sane. Police will tase her, causing her to make the "C" list. (I told you it would work, Kathy.)

9. Silvio Berlusconi will fly around Florence's Old Bridge in Leonardo DaVinci's aerial screw on Assumption Day. It sounds better in Italian.

10. One of the surviving Beatles will die. Eventually.
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DEMI MOORE & BILL CLINTON!

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TOGETHER AT LAST? WHAT WILL THE HILLBOTS SAY?

FOTO FUNNIES FOR HUMP DAY

All True. And Yet, All Lies.

Surveillance satellites around the globe are focusing on celebrities wherever they are, 24/7/52/100/1000.The National Security Agency is the world's largest producer of reality shows. But none of them ever makes it out of their fortress of solitude under Dick Cheney's tomb.Until now. By violating every national security directive in the big secret book that no one is allowed to read, we can now bring you the scoops and the skinny on all your favorite well-known douche bags.

Here are the actual unretouched foto's of that famous naked person you've always wanted to see with no clothes on at all, totally nekkid, nude and naked as the day they were born. Wait, this was the day they were born. Can't show you that. You'll have to go to Africa to see that. Third m'butu on the left. Don't eat the m'bange. It tastes like mofongo.





























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We would like to make over this blog to make it easier to access, to read and to comment on. We would also like to serve our readers better by providing more of what you need and want to see. All serious suggestions will be considered. We hope to move to our own domain in the near future, and we would like to ask for your financial assistance in doing that, and in upgrading our hardware & software. Small one-time donations and larger long-term subscriptions are welcome. Exclusive advertising is also available. If you think we are wasting our time in doing all this, please let us know. If you wish to help us, now is the time. As always, negative bullsh*t from right-wing trolls will be sh*tcanned. Thank you to everyone else.

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SAVE TRADITIONAL OREOS

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THE INSTITUTION OF COOKIES IS THREATENED BY GAY OREOS

Gay Oreo Sex

A HINT OF MINT, THE VULGAR "DOUBLE-STUFF," AND GOD HELP US, EVEN CHOCOLATE OREOS!

Molester Oreo

Protect Our Children From These Lifestyle Choices: Even The Slightest Change Could Cause All Cookies To Crumble!

Fellow Christians and cookie worshippers, I have a sad tale to tell you. Perhaps you already know it: Our streets and our supermarkets have been overrun by purveyors of the homosexual snack agenda. That's right, brothers and sisters, the gays are in the aisles we once cherished, turning frozen pizza into panini, substituting arugula for iceberg, and warping our society's delicatessen values to conform to standards that can only be called "French" [shudder]. Where once there was good old American liverwurst, there is now only pâté . Instead of macaroni salad, sexually ambiguous "deli-istas" are purveying hummus. Could they BE any more obvious? Isn't "Hummus" just French for "homos"? Why else would they suddenly start wear prophylactic gloves just to serve up slaw and Swiss cheese? Can I get an "AMEN!!!," people?

B&D Oreos

Praise Jesus, the Republican Party is on top of this, brothers and sisters. The matter of the gay Oreos has been taken up by the Party Chairman himself, Michael Steele. Even though he is at least in part an Afro mulatto black mocha negro African-American colored person of some sort, Chairman Steele is personally offended by the gay Oreos and has pledged the full resources of the GOP, which means those of the entire global corporate world, to defending traditional Oreos. The Defend Intact Traditional Oreos Act is just baby steps away from becoming law, if the deeply perverted mint-Oreo sucking Demoqueers don't stop it. Throw your teabags out the window and shout, "I'm straight as Hell, and I'm not gonna take it up the wazoo!" [Open the window, first.] OUR CHILDREN WILL DIE GODLESS HOMOS IF YOU DON'T!!!!

S&M Oreos

What can you do? Well, it seems like these days a white Christian traditional-Oreo-loving conservative man or woman's vote just doesn't mean a thing. Thank God we managed to preserve the Second Amendment. We are recommending that every true American, by which we mean straight white Christians, download the attached Gun Stamps to purchase discounted firearms for the coming apocalypse, or, as we are rebranding it, Krystal Night, in honor of DITO spokesperson Krystal-Honey Von Nudenbacher, Miss Utah in the Miss Christian Hooters beauticians-college scholarship pageant, who was recently denied her Tenth Amendment right to secede from the union by gay homosexual bloggers only because she has accepted Jesus Christ as her personal savior. She also needs a little help with the drug charges.

Gun Stamps

Fellow white Christian heterosexuals, we know you will do your part as a church-going member of the NRA. Contact your local militia leader in the bar at the VFW, and sign on to our heavily armed crusade to Defend Intact Traditional Oreos, or DITOS. If you can contribute one hundred thousand dollars or more, you will achieve instant Junior DITO-head status, and qualify for preferred seating at the Rapture. You and your loved ones will be guaranteed a place in an all white Christian heterosexual American section of Heaven, in a shining city high on a hill where you can see the Russians, the Democrats and the Homos in Hell.

But wait! There's MORE!! If you act now, you will receive absolutely free of charge a one year subsription to GOP Chairman Steele's personal newsletter, "Traditional Oreo Journal." Operators are standing by, somewhere in Bangladesh.
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REPUBLICAN JOKES FOR THE JOHN

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A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO WARSHENDEN DEE-CEE

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE REPUKELICKIN'S COULDN'T GET ANY MORE RIDICULOUS...





We Laugh Because It Hurts Too Much To Cry


1. Two Republicans go into a gay bar. The bartender says, "What'll ya have?" The first Republican says, "I'll have what he's having," pointing to his friend. His friend says, "Let me check with Rush. I don't think we're supposed to be in here," noting suspiciously the beefcake beer posters, the complete lack of female customers, the rainbow flag and the guys making out on the pool table. He takes off his tin-foil hat, spits on it and points it toward Miami. A bolt of lightning crashes through the ceiling, killing him instantly. The first Republican says, "I guess I won't have what he's having."


2. A conservative and a liberal are arguing about global warming at the International House Of Pancakes. The liberal is wearing shorts, sandals, a Hawaiian shirt and a coconut hat. The conservative is wearing mukluks, a heavy snowsuit with big mittens attached and a great big Russian fur hat. The waitress comes to take their order and the liberal orders something liberal. The waitress turns to the conservative and asks him why he's wearing all the polar expedition gear in an IHOP in the middle of the summer. "IHOP? I thought this was the UN!"


3. Newt Gingrich is at his sixth wife's death-bed. She's pale and weak and he has no trouble removing all her jewelry, and getting her to sign a new will. "What's this, for, Command Master, dear?" his wife asks feebly. "Well, b*tch, I mean, babe, I need your as--mm-- anus," the Speaker responds gruffly. "Your wish is my command, Master. But why?" the poor woman replies. "Aw, Hell, I can't get the librul media to chew me a new one no more! And I can't hardly talk out of the old one atall!"


4. Bobby Jindal is out jogging alongside a swamp somewhere in Louisiana. A gigantic alligator lunges out of the bayou and blocks the Governor's path. "Heck! What do y'all want, alligator?" "I'm going to eat you all up unless you grant me three wishes, Governor," the alligator hisses. "I don't know that I can do that. Are you a contributor?" "My PAC gives heavily to State Senate races. All Republicans, of course. They understand reptiles." "OK. OK, What can we do for you this fine morning?" "First off, you've got to outlaw alligator shoes." "All right, I guess we can do that." "Second, I want to be designated an endangered species." "Well, I'm against that in principle, but it's Federal, so I guess I could bump it up to them. Sure, OK, as long as it's just you." "Third, when you run for President, I want to be your Vice-President." "Aw, I don't think I can do that. It might cost me the fundamentalist vote. How about Secretary of State?" The alligator lunges at the governor, snaps him up and swallows him whole. From deep inside the giant saurian, a tiny voice emerges. "Is this Jimmy Swaggart in here? DEAL, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL!!!"


5. Ann Coulter is having "relations" with a giant venomous snake. She finally gets off, and disgorges the python. The reptile slithers off into a corner and starts crying hysterically. "What the f**k is the matter with you?" Ann asks the snake. "My condom came off!" the python wails.


6. John Boehner is addressing a group of young schoolchildren when little Johnny pops up from the back of the class and asks him a question: "How come your name is 'BONER'???!!!" The Congressman explains that his name is pronounced 'BAYNER,' "It's from the German. It's not pronounced the way it looks." Little Johnny puzzles over this and then demands, "Well how come my Mom says you're such a big dick then?"


7. A Republican and a monkey are shipwrecked together, the only two survivors left in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. Their supplies consist of two oars, one shiny waterproof thermal blanket, one bottle of water, one box of rations, one flare and one Bible. Both survivors eye all the gear, which plainly is enough for only one of them. The monkey picks up the Bible and tosses it overboard. The Republican jumps in after it and manages to rescue the Good Book. When he tries to get back in the boat, the monkey smacks the Republican's hand with an oar repeatedly. The man struggles, but the monkey won't let him back in the boat, and the man won't let go of the Bible. Finally, the Republican cries out in panic and frustration, "Why are you doing this?" The monkey leans right into the man's face and says, "Still think evolution is just a theory?"


8. A mullah, a rabbi and a televangelist are shot into space together in a new philosophical initiative by NASA. The plan is to set an example of religious tolerance on Earth and to bring evidence of Man's spirituality out into the Cosmos. They're headed for Alpha Centauri, and it's a long trip. Mostly, they spend it in suspended animation, but every few years, the unmanned robotic ship brings them out of it automatically, so they can get some exercise while their cryogenic coffins are serviced. The three clerics each address themselves separately to Allah, Jehovah and Jesus, sh*t shower and shave, and sit down together for a nice meal of salty protein sticks and glucosed mineral-water. After dinner, the rebbe breaks out a deck of cards, shuffles them and deals them out to his shipmates. They're traveling light, so there is nothing physical to wager. The televangelist suggests that they play a game of truth or dare. The loser of each hand has to admit some uncomfortable truth about himself or accept any sort of a dare from the winner of the hand. The Jew loses the first hand, and admits he once tasted ham, just out of curiosity, but only one small bite. The Muslim loses the next hand, and confesses that he once "accidentally" ate some baby-back ribs at a backyard barbeque, but he spit it out when he found out what it was. The Christian loses the next hand and says that he ate Pig all the time back on Earth, and he loved it. The other two are disgusted, but the Rabbi objects, "But, for you, it's not a sin! It doesn't count as an uncomfortable truth in this game." "You don't understand," the minister objects," 'Pig' is what me and my cousin called his little sister."


9. Q: What's the difference between a Republican and a c*nt?
A: Let's not split hairs.


10. Rupert Murdoch arrives at last at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. When he gets to the front of the line, Saint Peter asks the media mogul whether he thinks he should go to Paradise or the Inferno. "Paradise, of course, mate," Sir Rupert says. "Really? And why is that," asks St. Peter. "Well, I've given tens, maybe hundreds of dollars to charity and I've been in church more than twice. And I wouldn't mind doing a good deed, if I ever had the time," says Murdoch, squinting hopefully at the Saint's Golden Book open before him, trying to read it upside down. "Is that all?" Peter says. "Crikey, I've brought goodness and light into the lives of millions with Fox News, the Sun newspaper and the New York Post." "Oh, THAT Murdoch!" the Saint exclaims, and slams his book shut, grabbing the lever that will open the trap door over the chute to Hell, right under Rupert Murdoch's feet. "But wait, there's more!" Murdoch objects. As he yanks the lever, sending the publisher straight down into the fiery furnace, St. Peter shouts down at Murdoch, "You know, we get the Post up here!"


(All of these original attempted witticisms are the sole responsibility & property of Cosa Nostradamus)
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PHOTOONS

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FOTO-FUNNIES FOR THE NEWS-JUNKIES

SOMETIMES, IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO LAUGH
AND SOMETIMES IT DON'T

Amusing, Shocking, Strange, Funny, Bizarre Events Of The Week, In Pictures

Distastefully doctored for your delectation, by Yours Truly. Whoever that is.

Our thanks to the good folks at free, open-source GIMP for the nifty image-processing software, the Gnu Image Manipulation Program. Try it, you'll like it.

Click on photos to enlarge:


















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Suggestion Box & Tip Jar We would like to make over this blog to make it easier to access, to read and to comment on. We would also like to serve our readers better by providing more of what you need and want to see. All serious suggestions will be considered. We hope to move to our own domain in the near future, and we would like to ask for your financial assistance in doing that, and in upgrading our hardware & software. Small one-time donations and larger long-term subscriptions are welcome. Exclusive advertising is also available. If you think we are wasting our time in doing all this, please let us know. If you wish to help us, now is the time. As always, negative bullsh*t from right-wing trolls will be sh*tcanned. Thank you to everyone else. Please send feedback & PayPal contributions to cosanostradamusATexciteDOTcom. Thanks.

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TODAY IN HERSTORY

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WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE LIGHTS WENT OUT?

A HANDY HISTORICAL GUIDE FOR THOSE OF US WHO TEND TO BLACK OUT A LOT

WHAT?

* 1400 - Owain Glyndŵr is declared Prince of Wales by his followers.
(They were actually just being catty: He had recently appeared in public wearing tights for the first time. However, the moniker caught on, and he embraced it. Original spelling: "Prince of Whales.")
* 1701 - James Francis Edward Stuart, sometimes called the "Old Pretender", becomes the Jacobite claimant to the thrones of England and Scotland.
(There's a story behind this. But it's obscene.)
* 1776 - American Revolutionary War: the Battle of Harlem Heights is fought.
(Police fail to respond.)
* 1795 - United Kingdom conquers Cape Town, South Africa.
(No one notices. No one lives there yet.)
* 1810 - With the Grito de Dolores, Father Miguel Hidalgo begins Mexico's fight for independence from Spain
(Unlike the good Father, Dolores has a job, and can only fight Spain part-time and week-ends.)
* 1812 - Russians set fire to Moscow shortly after midnight - the city burns down completely days later.
(Vodka blamed.)
* 1863 - Robert College of Istanbul-Turkey, the first American educational institution outside the United States, is founded by Christopher Robert, an American philanthropist.
(Spring break goes international. Also, the phrase, "Will this be on the exam?" enters the Turkish language.)
* 1887 - The first game of softball was played in Chicago, Illinois
(Someone left the ball out in the rain.)
* 1893 - Settlers race in Oklahoma for prime land in the Cherokee Strip.
(Pinks slips are later substituted for prime land.)
* 1901 - Alturas, California, is incorporated as the only city in Modoc County.
(Modoc County becomes the only place in California that no one has ever heard of.)
* 1908 - General Motors is founded.
(The first recall occurs the very next day.)
* 1919 - The American Legion is incorporated.
(Funny hat sales skyrocket.)
* 1920 - The Wall Street bombing: a bomb in a horse wagon explodes in front of the J.P.Morgan building in New York City - 38 are killed and 400 injured.
(JP Morgan contributes thirty-eight cents to the widows & orphans fund. A library is built and dedicated to him.)
* 1940 - Sam Rayburn is elected Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. He is widely regarded as the most effective Speaker of the House in American history.
(He doesn't get a book deal.)
* 1941 - World War II: concerned that Reza Pahlavi the Shah of Persia was to align his petroleum-rich country with Germany during World War II, the United Kingdom and the USSR invade Iran in late August and force him to resign in favor of his son, Mohammad Reza Pahlavi.
(An Ayatollah is born.)
* 1955 - Juan Perón is deposed in Argentina.
(Eva Peron is deposed on the sofa.)
* 1963 - Malaysia is formed from Malaya, Singapore, British North Borneo (Sabah) and Sarawak.
(Numerous other smaller bits float off into the Andaman Sea, and are never recovered.)
* 1966 - The Metropolitan Opera House opens at Lincoln Center in New York City with the world premiere of Samuel Barber's opera, Antony and Cleopatra.
(Several old Jewish people from Long Island fall asleep in the balcony. Forty-two years later, they are still there.)
* 1970 - King Hussein of Jordan declares military rule following the hijacking of four civilian airliners by the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine (PFLP). This results in the formation of the Black September Palestinian paramilitary unit.
(Jordanian tourism stalls.)
* 1975 - Papua New Guinea gains its independence from Australia.
(Three years later, Australia notices.)
* 1975 - The first prototype of the MiG-31 interceptor makes its maiden flight.
(Ah! Sweet Migstery of Life, At last, I've found you. Ah! At last I know the secret of it all. For the longing, seeking, striving, waiting, yearning, The burning hopes, The joy and idle tears that fall....)
* 1976 - Shavarsh Karapetyan saves 20 people from the trolleybus that had fallen into Erevan reservoir.
(But that's Shavarsh Karapetyan for you.)
* 1978 - An earthquake hits the city of Tabas, Iran measuring 7.5-7.9 on the Richter scale killing about 25,000 people.
(Allah sends flowers.)
* 1982 - Sabra and Shatila massacre in Lebanon.
( "Ariel Sharon for Prime Minister" campaign begins.)
* 1987 - The Montreal Protocol is signed to protect the ozone layer from depletion.
(George "Dubya" Bush rolls a joint in it and smokes it.)
* 1991 - The trial of Panamanian "strongman" Manuel Noriega begins in the United States.
(Pineapple sales plummet.)
* 1992 - Black Wednesday: the Pound Sterling is forced out of the European Exchange Rate Mechanism by currency speculators and is forced to devalue against the Deutschmark.
(The next day, Mauve Thursday, Elton John is forced out of a taxi in Brussles, for no apparent reason.)
* 2005 - Camorra boss Paolo Di Lauro is arrested in Naples.
(No one knows why. Or cares.)
* 2007 - One-Two-GO Airlines Flight 269 carrying 128 crew and passengers crashes in Thailand killing 89 people.
(Airline then changes name to One-Two-Land-Safely Airlines, wins marketing awards.)
* 2008 - The video game Star Wars: The Force Unleashed is released; the first video game Star Wars creator George Lucas has had any involvement in.
(Fifty-year-old nerds flock to video-game stores.)
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CHANGE!!! CHANGIER!!! CHANGIEST!!!

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MY FRIENDS, CHANGE WITH ME

NOW IS THE TIME FOR ALL GOOD MEN TO COME TO THE KOOL-AID OF THEIR COUNTRY





Loose Change? Spare Change? Any Change At All? Send It To Me!!!

I'm throwing my chapeau in the anneau. I am the only candidate who will rock your world. I will make you do things you never thought possible. America, you will be my bitch. And you will love it. Bring your milkshakes on over here.

I will disassemble the White House and reassemble it on the Moon. I will move the Presidential offices and quarters to a giant golden barge floating in the Potomac. I will move the whole thing to Maalaea Bay every Halloween, and back every Easter.

I will establish Druidism as the official State religion. Tree-hugging will be required of all citizens every Sunday morning. In the nude. Bring lubricant. Amen.

I will withdraw all armed forces from all bases around the world, and bring them all home at once. Sleazy bars, tattoo parlors, pawn shops and massage parlors all over the world will follow the troops home. Unemployed servicemen and women and cheap foreign sex-workers will take over the streets and alleyways, parking lots and shopping malls of every town in America. No one will ever dare attack us again.

Abortion will be mandatory, except where the Mom is really hot, or the Dad has advanced sports skills. We will slowly build a race of jocks and bimbo's, and move to the Moon, before the Comet strikes the Earth. Smart people will stay right where they are. So it is written, on the men's room wall at the bus station.

There will be no more economy, stupid. It has never been anything but trouble. Our scientists will force hamburgers, pizza, and salad mix (for girls) to grow on trees, so we never have to work again. We will use our leisure to compose epic poetry and filthy limericks, while eating grapes fed to us by Japanese androids who can also do origami, and neck massages. Rivers of beer will flow through the arboreal dell.

There will be free health care for all, dispensed by vending machines outside of convenience stores in small towns and suburbs, and in dirty book stores in all the major cities except for Salt Lake City. There will be no health care at all in Salt Lake City. You should have voted for me, you Morons.

There will be Ritalin in all Coca-Cola exported to foreign countries, to make them less fidgety and easier to manage. There will be an era of unparalleled peace and prosperity everywhere, except for Belgium. EAT SH*T YOU F*CKING WALLOONS!!!

That is all.
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