CHANGE!!! CHANGIER!!! CHANGIEST!!!
MY FRIENDS, CHANGE WITH ME
NOW IS THE TIME FOR ALL GOOD MEN TO COME TO THE KOOL-AID OF THEIR COUNTRY
Loose Change? Spare Change? Any Change At All? Send It To Me!!!
I'm throwing my chapeau in the anneau. I am the only candidate who will rock your world. I will make you do things you never thought possible. America, you will be my bitch. And you will love it. Bring your milkshakes on over here.
I will disassemble the White House and reassemble it on the Moon. I will move the Presidential offices and quarters to a giant golden barge floating in the Potomac. I will move the whole thing to Maalaea Bay every Halloween, and back every Easter.
I will establish Druidism as the official State religion. Tree-hugging will be required of all citizens every Sunday morning. In the nude. Bring lubricant. Amen.
I will withdraw all armed forces from all bases around the world, and bring them all home at once. Sleazy bars, tattoo parlors, pawn shops and massage parlors all over the world will follow the troops home. Unemployed servicemen and women and cheap foreign sex-workers will take over the streets and alleyways, parking lots and shopping malls of every town in America. No one will ever dare attack us again.
Abortion will be mandatory, except where the Mom is really hot, or the Dad has advanced sports skills. We will slowly build a race of jocks and bimbo's, and move to the Moon, before the Comet strikes the Earth. Smart people will stay right where they are. So it is written, on the men's room wall at the bus station.
There will be no more economy, stupid. It has never been anything but trouble. Our scientists will force hamburgers, pizza, and salad mix (for girls) to grow on trees, so we never have to work again. We will use our leisure to compose epic poetry and filthy limericks, while eating grapes fed to us by Japanese androids who can also do origami, and neck massages. Rivers of beer will flow through the arboreal dell.
There will be free health care for all, dispensed by vending machines outside of convenience stores in small towns and suburbs, and in dirty book stores in all the major cities except for Salt Lake City. There will be no health care at all in Salt Lake City. You should have voted for me, you Morons.
There will be Ritalin in all Coca-Cola exported to foreign countries, to make them less fidgety and easier to manage. There will be an era of unparalleled peace and prosperity everywhere, except for Belgium. EAT SH*T YOU F*CKING WALLOONS!!!
That is all.
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