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Thursday, November 25, 2004

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN


YES, I KNOW THEY'RE NOT


That Was The Passive Voice


Women speak a different language. We all know that "Maybe" means "Yes," "Yes" means "No," and "No" means "Maybe." "Thank you," means "I'll get you for this." "I don't want to talk about it," means "Apologize or die." "We need to talk about this," means "I've already moved your stuff out." "Do I look fat in this," means "Say I look great, or else."

"You're welcome", means "Go fuck yourself." "Let's be friends," means, "I'd rather fuck the dog." "I like a man who owns a dog, " means "I'd like to fuck that guy, and then move in with a guy who cooks, cleans, lifts the toilet seat then puts it back down, and has a cat." Here are some simple translations of everyday words, to aid in the building of a Glossary of Understanding, that men and women might one day live in peace:


WOMANSPEAK = MANSPEAK

Bikini Area = Crotch
Cute = Unfuckable

Sensitive = Gay

Gay = Potential Lover/ Potential Rival

Marron = Brown

Mauve = Brown

Teal = Brown

Beige = Brown

Aubergine = Brown

Issues = Psychoses

Psychoses = Other Peoples Problems

My Friend = Mercy Hump; or, Her Period

My Kids = Goat-like Little Bastards

Uncle = Possible Father

Ex = Scumbag

Bank Account = Black Hole

Fantasy = Don't Go There

Oil Change = $300

Lesbian = Prettier Girl

Girl = Bitch

Bitch = What She's Not/ What She Can Be

Dog = Man

Man = Dog

Out Of Control = Not Doing Exactly What She Wants At All Times; Too Independent; Free

Free = Available

Redneck = Southern Gentleman

White Trash = Southern Gentleman's Family

Hillbilly = Southern Gentleman's Ex-Girlfriend

Whore = Your current, Or Ex-Girlfriend

Girlfriend = Black Girl

Homey = Black guy

Asian = Oriental

Latino = Spanish

Continental = Eurotrash

British = Unusually Pale, Spotty People With Bad Teeth Who Talk Funny

Francais = Frog

Flight Attendant = Stewardess

Housekeeper = Maid

Gardener = Illegal Alien

Educator = Teacher

Therapist = Headshrinker

Executive Assistant = Secretary

Physician's Assistant = Nurse

Doctor = Eternal Graduate Student

Blemish = Zit

Cold Sore = Herpes

Liberal = Fuckable

Conservative = Unfuckable

Thing In The Car = Engine

Thing In The Car = Transmission

Thing In The Car = Steering Wheel

Whisk = Thing In The Kitchen

Zester = Thing In The Kitchen

Food Processor = Thing In The Kitchen

Duvet = Thing In The Bedroom

Comforter = Thing In The Bedroom

Sham = Thing In The Bedroom

Pashmina = Rag

Blouse = Shirt

Slacks = Pants

Chapeau = Hat

Bra = Titsling

Panties = Gift Wrapping

Purse = Gunny Sack

Shoes = Personality

Boyfriend = Current Fuck

Fiance = Placeholder

Husband = Temp

Mother = Tormenter

Father = Husband Prototype

Sister = Rival

Brother = That Thing On The Couch

God = Ice Cream

Ice Cream = Guilt

Guilt = God

Candy Dish = Ash Tray

Objet D'Art = Ash Tray

Scented Candle = Ash Tray

Love = Committment

Sex = Payment




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