UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

YES, I KNOW THEY'RE NOT

That Was The Passive Voice

Women speak a different language. We all know that "Maybe" means "Yes," "Yes" means "No," and "No" means "Maybe." "Thank you," means "I'll get you for this." "I don't want to talk about it," means "Apologize or die." "We need to talk about this," means "I've already moved your stuff out." "Do I look fat in this," means "Say I look great, or else."

"You're welcome", means "Go fuck yourself." "Let's be friends," means, "I'd rather fuck the dog." "I like a man who owns a dog, " means "I'd like to fuck that guy, and then move in with a guy who cooks, cleans, lifts the toilet seat then puts it back down, and has a cat." Here are some simple translations of everyday words, to aid in the building of a Glossary of Understanding, that men and women might one day live in peace:


WOMANSPEAK = MANSPEAK

Bikini Area = Crotch
Cute = Unfuckable
Sensitive = Gay
Gay = Potential Lover/ Potential Rival
Marron = Brown
Mauve = Brown
Teal = Brown
Beige = Brown
Aubergine = Brown
Issues = Psychoses
Psychoses = Other Peoples Problems
My Friend = Mercy Hump; or, Her Period
My Kids = Goat-like Little Bastards
Uncle = Possible Father
Ex = Scumbag
Bank Account = Black Hole
Fantasy = Don't Go There
Oil Change = $300
Lesbian = Prettier Girl
Girl = Bitch
Bitch = What She's Not/ What She Can Be
Dog = Man
Man = Dog
Out Of Control = Not Doing Exactly What She Wants At All Times; Too Independent; Free
Free = Available
Redneck = Southern Gentleman
White Trash = Southern Gentleman's Family
Hillbilly = Southern Gentleman's Ex-Girlfriend
Whore = Your current, Or Ex-Girlfriend
Girlfriend = Black Girl
Homey = Black guy
Asian = Oriental
Latino = Spanish
Continental = Eurotrash
British = Unusually Pale, Spotty People With Bad Teeth Who Talk Funny
Francais = Frog
Flight Attendant = Stewardess
Housekeeper = Maid
Gardener = Illegal Alien
Educator = Teacher
Therapist = Headshrinker
Executive Assistant = Secretary
Physician's Assistant = Nurse
Doctor = Eternal Graduate Student
Blemish = Zit
Cold Sore = Herpes
Liberal = Fuckable
Conservative = Unfuckable
Thing In The Car = Engine
Thing In The Car = Transmission
Thing In The Car = Steering Wheel
Whisk = Thing In The Kitchen
Zester = Thing In The Kitchen
Food Processor = Thing In The Kitchen
Duvet = Thing In The Bedroom
Comforter = Thing In The Bedroom
Sham = Thing In The Bedroom
Pashmina = Rag
Blouse = Shirt
Slacks = Pants
Chapeau = Hat
Bra = Titsling
Panties = Gift Wrapping
Purse = Gunny Sack
Shoes = Personality
Boyfriend = Current Fuck
Fiance = Placeholder
Husband = Temp
Mother = Tormenter
Father = Husband Prototype
Sister = Rival
Brother = That Thing On The Couch
God = Ice Cream
Ice Cream = Guilt
Guilt = God
Candy Dish = Ash Tray
Objet D'Art = Ash Tray
Scented Candle = Ash Tray
Love = Committment
Sex = Payment



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