BASS ACKWARDS HEADLINES

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DYSLEXIC VIEWS OF THE NEWS

HOW PEOPLE WITH READING DISABILITIES SEE THE DAY'S TOP STORIES

OK, It Sounded Funnier When We Told That Deaf Guy Who's Always Laughing...

Come to think of it, what the f**k is he laughing at? [Checks fly.]


GOOGLE NEWS
"Colombian swine comes down with the president flu"
We wondered why he was snorting so much.

' Colombian President Alvaro Uribe has the swine flu and officials have advised other South American leaders who met with him at a summit of the infection, authorities said Sunday. '

CQ POLITICS
"Ex-Christ Aide To Be Appointed to Florida Senate Seat"
Wow. We thought the Apostles were all dead! Or Democrats!

' Florida Gov. Charlie Crist will appoint George LeMieux, his former chief of staff, to succeed Sen. Mel Martinez after the Republican incumbent resigns his seat in early September. '

BBC
"US trailer park death toll rises "
Better them than us. How much is the toll, anyhoo? Wait, I have exact change of life!

' An eighth person has died following an attack in a mobile home in the US state of Georgia, police say. '

TIME MAGAZINE
"Amid the Nation's Fallen, Kennedy Is Laid to Rest"
They should have bought one of those things for when you need help, cuz you've fallen and you can't get up. What was Mr. Kennedy doing there? Was he sleepy, Mommy?

' A story told around Arlington National Cemetery holds that John F. Kennedy paid a visit around Veteran's Day in 1963. As he stood near the mansion that once was home to Robert E. Lee, taking in the sweeping view of the Potomac River down below and the National Mall rolling out toward the distant Capitol, he remarked, "I could stay here forever." '

LIVE SCIENCE.COM
"Powerful Ideas: Mutant Polyester + Bacteria = More Biafras"
Jello?

' Brewing a certain type of biofuel with a mutant bacteria and polyester could double the fuel's production, researchers have found. '

THE WASHINGTON POST
"Obama Supporters Organize Bus Tour, Campaign-Style Events Across U.S."
Someone should tell them he won. Nah, let 'em punk themselves.

' President Obama's supporters hope to recapture the energy of last year's triumphant election campaign in a bid to regain control of the health-care debate, planning more than 2,000 house parties, rallies and town hall meetings across the country over the next two weeks. '

THE PHILADELPHIA ENQUIRER
"Mofo set to return Key to prison today"
How dat mofo got da key?

' ASHLAND, Ky. - Former State Sen. Vincent J. Fumo's new, assigned residence doesn't match the grandeur of the 27-room mansion he maintains in Philadelphia or the 100-acre farm he owns near Harrisburg. Maybe it's the razor wire. '

LIVE SCIENCE.COM
"Why We Cry"
Maybe it HURTS, you stupid f**king boffin!

' A scientist now proposes a new theory for why crying evolved - tears can act as handicaps to show you have lowered your defenses. '

YAHOO TECH NEWS
"Apple denies assault & battery with exploding iPhones"
That Steve Jobs is like a NINJA!

' US technology giant Apple said Friday it had seen no evidence that overheating batteries had caused screens on some of its iPhone devices to explode, blaming incidents in France on "external force." '

REUTERS
"Dead AM DJ found apartment in New York"
Amazing. Most live people can't find one.

' DJ AM, the stage name of disc jockey Adam Goldstein whose music could be heard on albums by Madonna and Will Smith, was found dead in his New York apartment on Friday, police said. He was 36. '

REUTERS
"No Black Eyed Muslims at Malaysia concert, Please"
Sounds like discrimination against battered spouses!

' Muslims in Malaysia have been barred from attending a concert by U.S. hip hop band the Black Eyed Peas sponsored by Guinness which is owned by the world's biggest spirits group Diageo. '

BBC
"Moon mission 'terminates' India "
DIABOLICAL!!!

' India's space agency has abandoned its inaugural moon mission a day after scientists lost communication with the orbiting Chandrayaan-1 spacecraft. '

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