ATTENTION ALL STUPID PEOPLE

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WE HAVE BECOME AWARE THAT MANY OF YOU ARE SEEKING GUIDANCE

BEING STUPID, YOU INEVITABLY CHOSE THE WRONG GUIDES

As A Public Service, We Will Now Tell You What To Think. You're Welcome.

It's OK. It's all right. Calm down now. That's a good boy. Or girl. Hard to tell with you stupid people. You're all just so stupid, it obliterates even your gender.

OK, sit. Good boy! Goooood girl!! Here, have a treat!!! That's a good stupid. Yeah. You are SO a good stupid! Yes you are. Yesyesyesyesyesyes! NO! Down boy! Down girl! None of that. Don't care how lonely you are, or how horny Rush makes you. BAD STUPID!

Come here. Sit. Listen. It's OK. You're not in trouble. Your natural instinct to cringe and crawl before the big dogs just got a little out of hand. Yes it did. So we're turning off your AM radio. In fact, let's just junk that old thing. Get you a nice new iPod. Play you some Beyonce. OK, OK, down, boy, down girl. You're not ready for that yet. OK, OK, just sit, then.

No. No FuxSnooze! It's bad for you. BAD FuxSnooze! Don't you know eating poo is bad for you? What did you think Glenn Beck was, Milkbone? No, that's sh*t. Bad. No eat. OK? No eat Glenn Beck's crap. Good boy. Good girl.

From now on, you'll only be eating Rachel. Rachel is SO good! Yes she is! Full of smarty goodness. And you're to do whatever she says. If you don't understand what she's saying, just do nothing. Don't go outside waving your little signs. Everyone will know you're stupid, and they'll take advantage of you. Yes they will. They always have. They always will. You're just too stupid to realize it. Yes you are. Such a stupid boy. Such a stupid girl. Yes you are! Here, have another treat.

You see, boy, girl; big fat stupid closet Nazi's are not good to follow. They don't have your best interests at heart. In fact, they are only blindly following other, bigger dogs who REALLY don't have your best interests at heart. No they don't. They're destroying your health and your environment, your economy and your finances, your community and your family. Yes they are. Yes they are. Yes they are. SIT! We'll take you for a walk in a minute.

See, someone's been teaching you bad tricks. Like eating their crap. That's nasty. Carrying racist signs all over town. Very nasty. Voting for people who despise you and work against your interests night and day. Those people are called "conservatives," and "Republicans." You'll never understand why, because you're stupid, but they are just BAD for you. OK? Republicans BAD! BAD Republicans! Conservatives BAD! BAD conservatives! No, no, not you, you're good. Good boy! Good girl! You're just stupid.

So, from now on, you're not going to eat the bad Republican conservatives' crap any more. You're going to eat the nice organic healthfood treats that the progressive Democrats give you. Yes you are. Good boy! Good girl! Progressives GOOD! Democrats GOOD! Except Blue Dogs. Down boy. Down girl. You be a good progressive Democrat, and your breath will be nicer and your coat will be shinier and you'll be so much happier. Yes you will!

OK, we're going out now. Try not to sh*t on anybody.
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