MONDAY MORNING BLUES NEWS
WEIRD, FUNNY, CREEPY, ODD, RIDICULOUS TIDBITS FROM THE WORLD PRESS
YOU COULD MAKE THIS STUFF UP, BUT WHY?
If You See Your Name In The Obituaries, Call In Sick
"Cadbury Recall: Oreos, M&Ms, Snickers At Issue"
Who you callin' an Oreo, and snickerin' 'bout Eminem?
"Models on the loo: Britain's Turner Prize shortlist unveiled"
OK, loo means toilet, but what does "models" mean, in British?
"Arab TV fans gripped by saga of World War II singing spy"
"'666' road sign thefts bedeviling roadways"
I like the METAL PLATE AHEAD signs. I cover the A with IN.
"The Latest Star Wars Woes: Launching Fake Targets"
There's no aliens anyway, right?
"Women say NY's dollar-dance clubs have darker side"
That's where they do the lap-dances.
"GOP, Democrats battle in Pa. over voter dress code"
Republicans want women to wear a chador.
"Mexicans boo Mayan pyramids concert by Great Tenor"
But he was singing his heart out!
"Bacteria Think Ahead"
McCain should hire them to run his campaign.
"Bailout legislation boosts Texans' mental health coverage"
OK then, it's worth it, I guess.
"Study: Using fan on sleeping baby reduces risk of SIDS"
Apparently, they were crushed by the fans. Put them NEXT to the baby, stoopits!
"New Flying Dinosaur Drone to Resemble Pterodactyl"
New unmanned tanks will resemble T-Rex.
"DNA fingerprinting could reveal your surname"
And your shoe size.
"Speculation laptop use caused Qantas flight plunge - News - Travel"
Must be the new Air-Alqaida laptops.
"German doing well after 1st double arm transplant"
On the other hand, now he has another hand.
"NYC National Debt Clock runs out of digits"
Not to worry. We'll make more zero's.
"New Research Uses Male Testicle Cells to Create Stem Cells"
"Scientists: Virginia shark's pup a 'virgin birth' "
Jesus jumps the shark.
"Bridge directors vote for net to deter suicides"
The giant stewpot lost.
"Visit China's Forbidden City -- as a virtual eunuch"
Not worth the price of admission.
"Freegans and FreeCycling Gain Fans"
Formerly known as cheap f*cking schnorrers.
"German village remembers Prussia's Scottish general"
Actually, he was just a Prussian on Scotch.
"Kenya's elephants send text messages to rangers"
Rude ones, too.
"Manatee dies before reaching rehab site"
"Czech author Kundera accused of informing on spy"
In his defense, it was totally kewl back then.
"Internet Searching May Boost Brain"
And emailing is good for the pancreas, I've heard.
"US authorities shutter worldwide spam operation"
What do the Feds have against canned mystery meat?
"Mafia wants author dead by Christmas"
Who knew they could read?
"Mechanics named in Spanish air crash probe"
Over here, we just do a regular christening. Cheaper, safer, easier.
"Washington Takes Aim at College Endowments"
Nothing the Republicans hate worse than a bunch of money going to waste, by somebody else.
"Plane engines found with damaged, missing parts"
Before or after a crash?
"Search Mounted for Boy Believed Kidnapped by Drug Gang"
"Jocelyn Kirsch gets five-year sentence"
Ironically, nobody knows who the f*ck she is. And she got busted for identity-theft.
"Kidnapped Boy's Grandfather Arrested, Missing Man With Alleged Ties To Mexican Drug Traffickers Found In S. California; Amber Alert For Missing 6-Yr.-Old"
It just keeps getting weirder.
"Lily Tomlin wants Dallas elephant relocated"
Evidently, Ernestine's in charge of elephants now.
Ah, Jesus did it!
"Police: Boy safe after abduction by drug dealers"
This ain't over. Bet Gramps did it, for the money. Coen Brothers, get the option, quick!
"Police arrest Mich. man for car wash vacuum sex"
Hey, this could happen to anybody. Right? Right?
"Farrakhan: A 'new beginning' for Nation of Islam"
They ran out of hate. They're making more.
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