HA-HA AND NOT HA-HA FUNNY NEWS
GERMS & JOBS & OTHER PURSUITS
YOUTUBE: MEL BROOKS & CARL REINER
"Mel Brooks: the 2000 year old man pt. 1"
First, a little history. It couldn't hurt.
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR TIME RUNS OUT
Some Days, The Germ Gets You; Some Days, You Get The Germ
The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Or, a Scotch. Could be a Long Island Iced Tea, even. So, pour yourself a drink and enjoy the rest of your life. Or sit there stone cold sober cleaning your weapons. It's a free country. Feh!
"Microbe Wakes Up After 120,000 Years"
First words: "OY! Vhat a TASTE I got in my MOUTH!!!" ...Wait, how do we know these are NOT extraterrestrial?
' After more than 120,000 years trapped beneath a block of ice in Greenland, a tiny microbe has awoken. The long-lasting bacteria may hold clues to what life forms might exist on other planets. The new bacteria species was found nearly 2 miles (3 km) beneath a Greenland glacier, where temperatures can dip well below freezing, pressure soars, and food and oxygen are scarce. The harsh conditions endured by these microbes serve as models of other planets. "These extremely cold environments are the best analogues of possible extraterrestrial habitats," Loveland-Curtze said, referring to the Greenland glacier. "The exceptionally low temperatures can preserve cells and nucleic acids for even millions of years." And studying such microorganisms may provide insight into what sorts of life forms could survive elsewhere in the solar system. '
"Dream Deferred: Americans May Never Retire"
Aaah! The Good Old Days! Work till you drop dead! Thanks, Republicans & DINO's!
' Retirement is a relatively new concept in the United States. It arose only in the late 19th century and early 20th century. Until then, people worked until they were physically unable to continue, and then their communities supported them. Around the turn of the last century, some big employer-supported pensions started up, but with the Depression, it was clear that businesses couldn't be counted on to support retirees during economic bad times. So social security was initiated by President Franklin D. Roosevelt in the mid-1930s as a government solution. Nowadays, workers hang on like a dog to a bone to the concept of retirement. Meanwhile, each of the three legs of the retirement stool - pensions and/or 401(k)s, social security and personal savings - are getting wobbly. In fact, the only true security for a retiree today is their own savings and investments, Dinkin said. Neither the government nor corporate pensions can be relied upon as the foundation of a stable retirement, he adds. The retirement plans of many Americans went out the window in the past year due to the economic downturn, a new survey finds. A lot of folks now are looking at Plan B, and Plan B means working more and working later in life. It's not unlike what our great-great grandparents planned for, back before the concept of retirement came into vogue. However, working beyond age 65 doesn't have to be dismal, experts say, especially if you change your expectations and push yourself to pursue work in a field that you love. Just keep working '
"No Ocean, But Chicago Moves to Legalize Surfing"
Deep-dish luau's are also legal, now. So, nu, maybe the old folks could get work as beach boys, now?
' Midwestern surfers prefer Labor Day through Memorial Day, particularly November onward, when the waves are especially choppy. The water, experts say, is warmer than the air's temperature, and creates an "unstable boundary layer" near the water's surface - hence more waves. Waves during a storm may reach 20 feet, and appear roughly every six to eight seconds. How do they compare to the surf in Hawaii and California? Pacific waves tend to be stronger, and longer, than those in the Midwest because they gain momentum having crossed thousands of miles from Asia. They may be twice as tall, and appear every 10 to 12 seconds during a storm. Those differences, however, don't matter much to Midwestern surfers. Last December, Vince Deur, co-chair of the Surfrider Foundation's chapter here, took a group of friends to the southern shore of Lake Michigan. The air temperature was about 25 degrees. A winter storm covered much of the lake, sending fierce winds from the north to create waves nearly two feet above Deur's head. "The waves," he recalls, "had some nice shape and power. But look," he continues, "we know that in the world of great surfing, as far as quality goes, we're at the bottom. We're in it for the fun." Anticipating the arrival of surfing on Lake Michigan, Deur said Wednesday, "We understand and respect the city's small step approach to opening these beaches. And we consider this a victory." '
"Ohioans ticketed for parking in own driveways"
Finkbeiner! You're FIRED!!! And forget about a PENSION!!!
' Residents of Toledo, Ohio, are complaining that they received $25 tickets for parking their vehicles in their own driveways. Mayor Carty Finkbeiner (FINK'-by-ner) says he stands by the citations handed out last week by the Division of Streets, Bridges and Harbor. He says the tickets were issued under a city law against parking on unpaved surfaces, including gravel driveways. During a news conference Monday, Finkbeiner ignored a reporter's question of whether the crackdown and fines were related to the city's budget crisis. '
"Ohio teen who killed over video game gets 23 years"
Sounds like father and son lived in a world of fantasy. But the son's fantasies involved premeditated murder and a double cover-up. Well, it half worked. GAME OVER! (Mom won't have to work, now.)
' Petric was convicted of shooting his parents in October 2007 after they took the game "Halo 3" away from him. The judge, who heard the case without a jury, said at the time of the verdict that the teen was so obsessed over a video game that he may have believed that, like the characters in the game, death wasn't real. The defense claimed his age and addiction to the game made him less responsible. In the video game "Halo 3," players shoot alien monsters that have taken over the Earth. Mark Petric, who has forgiven his son, said he had followed his son's request that his father's congregation be told about his sorrow over the crimes. "He is sorry for causing everyone so much terrible pain," said the father, a minister at New Life Assembly of God in Wellington. At the trial, Mark Petric testified that his son came into the room and asked his parents: "Would you guys close your eyes? I have a surprise for you." The father testified that he expected a pleasant surprise. Then his head went numb from a gunshot. His wife, Susan, 43, died of a gunshot wound to the head. The prosecution said Daniel Petric then tried to make the shootings look like a murder and attempted suicide. He shoved the gun into his father's hand and said, "Hey Dad, here's your gun. Take it," Mark Petric testified. '
"American arrives in Germany with mini arsenal"
"Say whut? No guns allowed in Hitler's birthplace???!!!" "Hitler vas born in Austria, Mein Herr." "Ah'm in AUSTRALIA!!!???" Wonder what job he was on? Or what drug?
' German police stopped an American at Duesseldorf airport on Friday for carrying a pumpgun, two pistols and a combat knife in his luggage. The 38-year-old man, en route to Switzerland from Florida, said he was not aware European security regulations required him to have special permission to transport the weapons. Police found a .12 calibre pumpgun, a .357 magnum revolver, a Smith & Wesson "Long Rifle" and a combat knife. The man told police he had alerted the airline that he would be carrying the weapons and was not aware he needed further permits. The police confiscated the weapons and fined him 450 euros ($633.1) before releasing him. A police spokesman said they were investigating how the man managed to get the weapons through security checks in the United States. '
"Sex selling for less amid economic downturn"
Good news for F**kMart, BJMart, CostBlo, JohnsClub and all their thrifty shoppers. I suspect the "girls" are Grannies who couldn't afford to retire. Or, maybe they just got bored, sittin' on it. Or, maybe it's a labor of love...
' Prostitution is legal in Germany, with the same rights and benefits as other professions, such as health and unemployment insurance. There are about 450,000 prostitutes nationwide, according to 2008 numbers, with 10,000 in Berlin. Streetwalkers like those in the Hackescher Markt make up only about 3 percent, with the remaining 97 percent working in brothels, massage parlors or out of private residences. Though the demand for prostitutes' services remains strong, the supply has increased as more people lose their jobs and turn to the profession, said Marion Detlefs, of the German prostitution advocacy group Hydra. The result is increased competition, she said. In response, clubs and brothels are increasingly marketing themselves either as high-class, exclusive spas, or as bargain basements of delight. '
"Calif.: Site broke labor law by taping octuplets"
I thought the Octomom herself violated labor laws, by having all those kids. --Not a job for Grannies.
' California authorities slapped an online site Tuesday with four child-labor law violations for videotaping two of Nadya Suleman's octuplets without safeguards to protect their health and welfare. State Labor Commissioner Angela Bradstreet said RadarOnline endangered the newborns, Noah and Isaiah Suleman, by failing to get required state permits, videotaping the infants at hours and for periods of time banned by regulations, and for failing to provide a monitor to watch over them during taping sessions. '
"Microsoft sues family over alleged click fraud"
Digital Ma Barker! There's a job for Granny!
' Microsoft has filed its first-ever lawsuit over click fraud, seeking $750,000 in damages from a Canada-based trio who allegedly orchestrated a massive online scam via its pay-per-click search ads. "Microsoft’s Internet Safety Enforcement team has a long history in enforcement efforts on issues such as malicious code distribution, spam, scareware, child protection, and other Internet safety issues, but this is the first case we have filed with respect to click fraud," a company spokeswoman tells The Reg. Microsoft filed its civil complaint in a Seattle-based federal court on Monday, The New York Times reports, after investigating the matter for more than a year. The complaint names three individuals believed to be residents of Vancouver, British Columbia; various company monikers they may have used; and fifty John Does. Microsoft believes that the trio - Melanie Suen, Eric Lam, and Gordon Lam - are a mother and her two sons. '
"FDA says Zicam nasal spray can cause loss of smell"
It's being rebranded as a homeopathic deodorant. You'll never need to bathe again. Just spray it in other people's faces. --Hey, that could be a job!
' Consumers should stop using Zicam Cold Remedy nasal gel and related products because they can permanently damage the sense of smell, federal health regulators said Tuesday. The over-the-counter products contain zinc, an ingredient scientists say may damage nerves in the nose needed for smell. The other products affected by the Food and Drug Administration's announcement are adult and kid-size Zicam Cold Remedy Nasal Swabs. "Loss of the sense of smell is potentially life threatening and may be permanent," said Dr. Charles Lee, of FDA's compliance division. "People without the sense of smell may not be able to detect dangerous life situations, such as gas leaks or something burning in the house." The FDA said Zicam Cold Remedy was never formally approved because it is part of a small group of remedies that are not required to undergo federal review before launching. Known as homeopathic products, the formulations often contain herbs, minerals and flowers. '.
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