SOME THINGS I ACTUALLY LIKE

YEAH, I KNOW. I'M KINDA NEGATIVE

So What?

Most things suck. That's why we only treasure, and cherish certain FEW things, right? If everything else didn't pretty much suck, why would we make a big deal about anything else? Anything at all?

OK, I win that one. Take off your bra. (Girls only.) Strip debating. I like that.

And hot sauce. I fucking LOVE hot sauce. And PEPPER! Hungarian, Italian, Moroccan, Lebanese, Indian, Szechuan, Hunan, Korean, Thai, Mexican, Louisiana. McIlheny's Tabasco brand sauces, of Avery Island, La, has a whole line of hot pepper sauces out, now: Regular chili, muy bueno; Habanero, VERY hot; Shoyu, salty; Chipotle, smoky; green Jalapena, for fish & poultry; and my personal favorite, Garlic. Oh, man is this stuff good! Try it on yer corn flakes, in the morning. It'll sho 'nuff wake yo ass UP!

It's hard to find a decent fresh tomato or tomatillo Mexican salsa, these days. They say it's more popular than ketchup, en los Estados Unidos, now. But it's beginning to taste a lot LIKE catsup. Which started out as Indonesian hot sauce, I think. But look where it ended up.

Don't get me wrong. A pint of Theresa Heinz Kerry's red stuff on a pile of salty, peppery crinkle-cut fries is my idea of paradisio. (Not THAT red stuff, ya CREEP! That's for JOHN!) But it ain't exotic. Thai hot sauce, like Sriracha, now THAT'S exotic! And freakin' HOT, too! But, s - l - o - w hot.

The mark of a great hot sauce is the slow approach of it. You get all these complex nasal tastes, then BAM, kick it up a motherfuckin' NOTCH, baby! F'EYE-YAH!!! You get to TASTE the stuff you're eating, then you get that HUGE jolt of vitamin-C enhanced, immune- system- stimulating HEAT! Woooo! Gotta love it!

Once, in my drinkin' days, before I burned out my stomach and blew out all my sphincters with a steady diet of straight, hard whiskey, mass quantities of top-shelf beer, and pure hot peppers, I got loaded with some friends 'down the Jersey shore, and hit the Boardwalk for some real Philly cheesesteaks. I don't remember doing it, but my friends still tell me that I up-ended a big bottle of Tabasco sauce on my cheesesteak, like it was marinara sauce on a meatball sub, and then doused it with black pepper and salt, and woofed all of it down in about two seconds.

Then I belched, sucked down a whole pitcher of beer, and ordered another 12" cheesesteak. With Tabasco. And another pitcher. That was in my Cary Grant-ish phase. I'm more of a slob, now. I vaguely remember the vinegar in the hot sauce. My asshole bled for a month. But that Tabasco, it was GOOOOOOOD!

So, see, shithead? I like SOME stuff. Go get me a freakin' cheesesteak, willya? From, PHILLY! Yo, PHILLY!!! A - D - R - I - A - N ! ! !

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